Cereal. Check.
Milk. Check.
Bread. Check.
Fruit. Check.
Salad. Check.
Wow, the looks I am getting! Guess I could have paid w/ 1 check.
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Me: How long should I roast asparagus in the oven?
Food Blogger: Wondering how long to roast asparagus? C’mere! I’ve got your answer!
Me: Cool! Thank-
Food Blogger: I was born on a farm in Tennessee. My father was an angry man with 3 fingers on each hand. A war injury…
“I’m Sorry”
And
“My Bad”Mean The Same Thing.
Unless You’re At A Funeral.
Are you ok, human???
signs you’re dating an angel:
– skin made of smooth marble
– thousands of eyes that emit lasers
– wings violently displace tons of air
– 13,000 trumpets constantly
– peaceful sense of impending doom
– giant chalice overflowing with acid
– texts you good morning
Trump says that Obama founded ISIS but in his defense Donald thinks that founded is a synonym for “located”
It’s all fun and games until a metal flask falls out of your car in the church parking lot.
Hey, remember that terrible date who forgot their wallet and then ghosted you?
Well, LinkedIn thinks you should add this person to your network.
I love making pasta when I have a ton of dirty dishes in the sink. just dump that hot water in there when you’re done, and bam! you’ve got dinner and a set of totally clean dishes!
Ever have an itch you just can’t seem to scratch? That’s a past life itch…probably cuz you were a donkey
Great seizure this morning! We found 10 kg of c*****e in a statue. The 9kg of c*****e was weighed and bagged and, I can tell you, 7kg of c*****e took a fair few bags. We’ll hand the 4kg to the police after analysing the 2kg first. Well done Customs on finding the 300 grams!
[at recycling center]
Me: *unloads 46 bags of crushed aluminum cans*
Cashier: Wow! *hands me $1*
[gf comes home after spray tanning]
Hey, orange you looking good!
“Thanks”
Anytime, pumpkin!
“You’re sweet”
You’re one in vermillion!
my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me
sorry I cut you off mid-sentence so I could sprint after an ice cream truck
After seven years of marriage, I can always guess what’s bothering my wife. I’m never right, but I can always guess.
Me: Can’t you just hot-wire it?
Apple technician: No ma’am, your phone actually needs the passcode.
This Dollar Store thesaurus sure is coming in…
*shuffle shuffle*
…hippopotamus.
Can’t stop thinking about really disturbing things today, like what if they had called him Illinois Jones.
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
This is not how I wanted to learn the Greek alphabet
Said to my girlfriend that she had changed my life more that she will ever know. She became overwhelmed with emotion. I didn’t have the heart to tell her it was because she showed me a shortcut on Microsoft Excel which I now use daily
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
just seen a tiktok where this girl asked her bf for pads with wings so he got her pads & 36 chicken wings 💀
One time I hung out with a dudes friend so my hot friend could flirt with the dude and long story short I made him cry after he said that he got “stuck with me”.
[romantic dinner]
her: “I was hoping it might just be the two of us.”
ventriloquist dummy: “he said I help with his confidence.”
“Wow, that’s great!”
~ Me, not paying attention, and hoping you didn’t just tell me your Grandma died.
When you take your relationship with your Roomba to the next level.
Roombae.
If you don’t know the right way to bend your knees and lower yourself for exercise purposes then you don’t know squat.
Me: I like to look on the bright side. It’s a beautiful sunny day, I was getting tired of that room, I always enjoy seeing professionals at work and I finally tried a cigarette only to confirm my belief I wouldn’t care for them. Nice to know! Well, please continue.
Firing Squad:
Pharaohs were buried with their hands crossed over their chest because of the belief there would be countless water slides in the after life.