i am disgusted by the physical act of handshaking. it is morally unacceptable that u cant just extend your arm and fist the wind
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#JohnTravolta
Cop: “We’ll catch the guy who murdered your husband.”
Tina: “My husband was murdered?!”
Cop: “Shit! Sorry… I have some bad news…”
What idiot named it “proposing marriage” and not “engaging the enemy”?
I was dismissed from my responsibilities as church usher because I kept using finger guns to point out available seats.
* pew pew *
Miscakes
Happy Dhanteras. If you buy gold today, you’ll become rich tomorrow. Except for gold merchants. Who sell gold & become rich today only.
Maroon 5 is playing. The crowd goes mild
There are two owls inside you. You are going to nail this interview at Hooters.
What does it mean when you’re flirting with a guy and he’s just crying and holding up a crucifix?
DOCTOR: We were all out of blood for your transfusion so we used Mountain Dew
ME: [I don’t hear bc I already snowboarded out the window]
[1st day at the zoo]
boss: did you feed the animals?me: *looking at the signs that say don’t feed the animals* no
It’s getting disrespectful how long it takes for me to scroll to my birth year
Ik the point of all cult documentaries is anyone can fall into a cult but I rly don’t see it happening for me just bc I’m sooo lazy and the odds of me signing up for an empowerment or healing workshop are below zero like I hate having stuff to do
that’s really how it is
Nothing is better than working out to 80s music. Except listening to 80s music without working out.
My 5yo just came out of bed saying she yawned so hard her blankets came off, and honestly that’s like, groundbreaking work in the bedtime excuses field.
3 : Daddy, can we watch Frozen?
Me : Sorry, darling. We can’t watch Frozen in the summer because all the characters will melt.
Pac-Man: what’s for dinner?
Ms Pac-Man: 🌕🌕🌕
Pac-Man: again?
Ms Pac-Man: you’re welcome to eat a ghost if you can find one
cop: do you have a license to fish?
me: yes.
cop: ok you may go.
me: *drives away on my fish*
*my wife catches me in bed looking at an optical illusions book* HONEY, NO IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
April 1st is the class clown of days.
I’m completely naked under all this pizza.
I reached for my bagel at a weird angle and now I need a chiropractor.
Every time someone calls me an asshole, I stand up like I’m gonna do something about it. Then I just end up stretching while I wink at them.
me: *rubs lamp*
genie: I will grant you three wishes
me: can you go away I’m rubbing this lamp
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
*entering first day of prison*
“Are you guys mad at me?”
I asked my son to take the garbage out and he immediately tried to pick up his brother and boys are fun.
“This joke wasn’t funny until the end” okay so that’s called the punchline…….
Two sessions in and my therapist absolutely hates the guy who suggested I need therapy. Love that for me.