The #AshleyMadisonHack is getting out of hand. Site just revealed that I’ve been cheating on my diet. I’m not even sure how they’d know that
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I started dating a lumberjack.
He’s a handsome feller.
You guys Gorilla Glue is not hair care it is lip balm. Spread the word
In case you wondered how much patience I have for questions today, I just told my 4-year-old the sky is blue because I said so.
Titanic passenger: iceberg
Titanic chef: no its romaine
Passenger: *pointing* iceberg!
Chef: oh no!
Passenger:
Chef: we’ve served you the wrong salad
Just ordered me some pizza!
Her: Stop stalling and sign the divorce papers.
Me: *does “the divorce papers” in sign language* THERE I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY
If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
A fight or flight situation.
Like when you go to pick up your kid and the teacher’s walking towards you with “the look” on her face.
“Goodbye, cruel world.” I say while taking one too many Flinstone vitamins
On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.
If you see me at the bottom of a lake, mind your business. I’m relaxing.
adding to the discourse
My insurance guys slogan is I’m Zach and I’ve got your back… good thing his name wasn’t Rick
my name if I was in the mob
when bread gets all hard we throw it away but when it’s toast we’re like yay breakfast
Oops I accidentally set the east coast to sepia
me: it kind of feels like you’re judging me right now
judge: it’s called “sentencing”
Every emotion briefly visited to open a jar of pickles.
[restaurant]
WAITER: here’s your check
ME: can we split it
WAITER: yes of course
DATE: *reaches for card*
ME: no it’s cool me and the waiter got this
The CDC is warning customers to stay away from any form of romaine lettuce.
Deep inside, I always knew that stuff was trouble.
“It’s five o’clock somewhere” I say as I leave work at 9am
one taught me love
one taught me patience
and one taught me pain
can we have one night where you don’t act like spiderman
“ok”
[hour later a bird/panther type thing steals wife’s purse]
“don’t look at me”
I got dumped by my therapist, she said “ she needs to work on her”
Why is it okay to eat grapes in a grocery store but as soon as I pop a bottle of champagne, I get kicked out??
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m hungry like I’ll tell you anything
Let’s make “door pants” a thing. Those pants you leave by your front door so when delivery people knock on your door you have easy access.
I just want to put my hair in a cute little messy bun and not look like a sumo wrestler.