Pro tip: when you’re on your way home, don’t answer your phone.
Someone wants you to stop at the store.
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[hamster construction site]
“Colin, you seen Dave?”
I left him manning the concrete mixer
“Oh no”
[cut to Dave having the time of his life]
Cop: do you know why I stopped…
Me: *holding up hand for a high five*
Cop: umm okay, *high fives* do you…
Me: *I slowly interlock our fingers*
Cop: what are you, Umm
Me: *i hold eye contact* hi
Cop: *blushing* hi lol
“There are way too many people in there.”
~my 7yo’s review of Where’s Waldo
If something isn’t fair and square it‘s wrong and oblong
I don’t think it’s real blood, it looks like red paint
-my kid, examining the plastic ax that came with his Halloween costume
*waits for someone to have sex with me so I can use the ‘sex with me is like’ joke format*
Am not being sponsored to say this but if anyone is looking for a way to make swallowing food easier, try using “Teeth”. I recently began using teeth while eating and it’s reduced the number of Heimlich manoeuvres I receive per month by over 94% 👍
I was fired from the zoo for exploding the budget, but I still think the giraffes look pretty great in those turtleneck sweaters.
I had a pretty confused childhood because I thought obituaries are actually advertisements selling dead people.
Asking every new person I meet if they’re cake.
When you’re stupid, you trust your child with an alarm clock
To my writer friends. Just keep going. I was rejected over 48 times before I got my 49th rejection.
I don’t have a swear jar anymore, I have a swear barrel
If you’ve already seen a bunch of poodles jumping rope in unison today, just keep scrolling. 🐩 🐩🐩🐩🐩🐩
My kid wanted to watch something scary, so I had her watch the cashier ring up our groceries.
husband: we should role play tonight
me: ok you be our hot neighbor Chad
husband: huh, that’s oddly specific
me: listen Chad, it’s inappropriate that you’re in my bedroom please leave my husband will be home soon and we’re probably gonna do it
I don’t usually brag on here, but I just got an email saying I have, and I quote, an “outstanding” medical bill
*falls dramatically on therapist’s sofa* the barista touched the mouth hole
At my funeral I won’t need a coffin. I will be cremated from the neck down and my head will be on a stick. If you want to say anything about me you have to hold my head stick
Ah yes keep complaining the guy at 7/11 doesn’t speak English well enough, like you aren’t the moron who needs help in a convenience store
Me: You’re going to disagree with this statement.
Wife: No I’m not.
me: I believe it was Meatloaf who said two out of three ain’t bad
wife: YOU LEFT ONE OF OUR KIDS AT THE GROCERY STORE
so, what you’re saying is, if i don’t eat an apple a day, i’ll meet a doctor?
… sounds better than tinder
Pretty sure “see less from” is to Facebook what “close door” is to an elevator
why steal office supplies from work when you could take an extra long bathroom break and steal company time instead
I don’t need a reason to say stupid shit. I just need a venue.
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 22 years. I think they can’t find me.
The daughter is spending the night out tonight so the wife & I are going to do that thing we like to do when she’s gone.
*watch tv in separate rooms.
I trapped a ghost in my cooler to keep my beer cold.