I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their shit together.
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If chickens ate human eggs we’d probably be in some kind of chicken war.
FRIEND: ready to go body surfing?
ME: [unstrapping a corpse from my car roof] let’s do it
The cancelled marathon runners should seriously run through the boroughs with supplies. I said it earlier as a joke, now I say it for real.
A local supermarket.
A customer asks “Do you have unsalted nuts?”
The new checkout boy freezes. He needs this job. But he may never get this chance again.
Stop everything. Everybody shut up
There’s a spider on my ceiling. His name is Alec and where does he think he’s going oh no
Just explained the Higgs boson to my friend even tho I don’t understand it. He was very convinced. I bet this is how religions get started.
Me: I try to avoid working out while on vacation.
Also me: [lugs seven beach chairs, five umbrellas, a cooler, a bag containing snacks and 13 bottles of sunscreen, and a cornhole set down a half-mile down to the beach through eight inches of soft sand]
What they say: “Parenting is hard.”
What they mean: “You will do your very best to take care of your child, and they will do their very best to stop you from doing that.”
The urology match email should start with “Congrats, Ur-ine!!”
….I’ll see myself out….
Stayed up for hours with my daughter doing homework last night. She got upset “Daddy, I don’t understand it. I don’t know what it is” but we persevered. We were both tired but I was proud of her. Then today my boss was like “THIS BUSINESS CASE LOOKS LIKE AN 8 YEAR OLD DID IT”
i love how when someone asks what your favourite books are your brain does this sparkly little twirl and helpfully deletes every book you’ve ever read from your memory
I had a terrible dream that monsters came out from under the bed at night and ate up all the pecan pie. I woke up screaming MY PIE
Me: Your dating profile said you’re looking for a girl who knows how to have fun.
Him: Yes! *winks*
Me: [starts taking kittens out of purse]
I keep trying to lose this last 180 pounds but he refuses to leave.
“THE WORLD IS GOING TO END!”
2012: omg please no
2016: are we doing this or not
“I’ll be back for you real soon” I whisper to the leftover lasagne
If I pick up two cinder blocks and walk into the cold, cold Atlantic while we are talking please don’t take it personally
Today’s Tarot Card: It’s not the destination that matters; it’s the huge number of enemies you’ve made along the way.
I have 4ish hours to sleep, but instead of doing so I’ll just complain online about how little potential sleep I have left.
“Our relationship is nice because we can sit silently and still have fun.” – cool thing to say to the person in bathroom stall next to you.
My wife just said we should have another baby. I hope she didn’t mean together.
“Why don’t traffic cops wear pullovers?” and other questions that I ponder at 3:30 a.m.
Suddenly your entire body starts to vibrate. To your horror you realize it’s vibrating to the melody of the Benny Hill theme. This goes on for 2 hours, then it stops.
‘That’s enough punishment for now’, I whisper to myself, and put away the kazoodoo doll…
The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time so it’s more of a surprise
Buying a well is money well spent.
Tip of the day: Don’t try to scratch an itchy ankle while on a treadmill.
If you get pulled over by a cop, the smartest thing you can do is try and say “license and registration” at the same time he does and call “jinx” so he can’t say anything else.
My mom: Easter is at noon on Sunday.
Me: I’m not religious but I’m pretty sure Easter is all day.
WAITER: room for dessert?
ME: no thanks, we’ll just eat it right here
I missed going to the gym today.
So that’s 20 years in a row now.