an orca patiently sitting through a Geico commercial before it can watch a boat sinking tutorial on youtube
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Stopping to get donuts for the office only works as an excuse for being late if the box isn’t empty.
I am in the battle of my life with tangled macrame and I may not make it. If a spider finds me, I’m screwed.
“Aaaaaaaaand done!”
-me, breaking the last of my new year’s resolutions
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food
So what was my mom trying to say when she bought me a book on how to make friends?
I’d like to thank the British for wearing red coats and making it easier to shoot them 238 years ago. We couldn’t have done this without you
My husband asked me to put him to sleep with a happy ending…
*reads a book “and they lived happily ever after”
Mmmm yeah, you like that?
My work here is done
[flash mob in front of me & my girl]
[I join in then kneel down gasping]
“Will you..”
“YES!… YE..”
“grab me a smoothie from Jamba Juice?”
We found Max..
#MyFebruaryAccomplishment
“I hate hashtags!” Dad screams as he smashes his #1 Dad coffee mug against a wall.
“You know what? I’ll just wait for the next Uber. Thanks.”
Me: there’s only one thing about Halloween that really scares me
Her: which is?
Me: exactly
[Australia]
Husband: If you need me I’ll be out back.
Wife: Yeah that’s not very specific.
I hate it when I’m cleaning the house and suddenly find a bowl of ice cream in my lap and my soap opera on.
Why do you guys take your keys out just leave them in the ignition so you’ll never misplace them
Math Problem: Tom has 35 apples. Richard gives him another 26. What does Tom have now?
Me: A terrified doctor.
ME: omg I love your accent! Say that again!
MY AUSTRALIAN WIFE: You’re shallow and selfish. I’m leaving you and taking the kids.
If they don’t want me to ash on the floor,maybe they should put some ashtrays in this gym
the only thing i know about cooking is you gotta terrorize the meat
Petition to change the “there’s a train approaching the station, please stand away from the platform edge” announcement to “oh lawd she comin”
Dear Evolution,
It’s a conference call, not a bear attack. How about making me super eloquent instead of the heart rate and adrenaline?
Were those thousands of turtle lives worth the life of one stupid, spoiled Princess with a strange fetish for Italian plumbers?
Hugh Jackman denies ever taking steroids to transform into Wolverine:
“I had been told what the side effects are… I don’t love my job that much.”
I appreciate commercials that specify “shipped directly to your door” because I’m so tired of delivery people throwing packages on my roof or burying them in my yard
Apparently, when you have an open relationship you’re supposed to inform your partner. But this is new for both of us, especially her.
My mother-in-law makes me feel like a champion race car driver…by grabbing onto the door handle and screaming the entire drive
Real life: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital one to two days after giving birth
TV shows: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital 30 seconds after giving birth
My son’s name is Miller if you were wondering if I like beer.
[date]
Me: Wanna watch Star Wars?
Him: No interest, before my time.
Me *pretending to choke him with my mind*
Him: What’re you doing?