I just tried to sneeze quietly and broke everything inside of me.
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sibling culture is not talking to each other for awhile and then texting them “this is you” along with a picture of an ugly bird you found online
*installs google translate*
*looks at Arabic tweets for jokes to steal*
*finds half my tweets doing better than mine*
date: I won’t be able to see you for a while. I need to focus on watching the World Cup.
me: *flops to the ground clutching my shin*
I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream. This kid working at Baskin Robbins is pretty scared. Now he’s crying in the corner.
With the amount of hairs falling out of my head daily, it’s amazing I haven’t been implicated in any local crime scenes.
Tom & Jerry had the realest beef of all time….. nvr said a word…. it was jus on sight ..
*wakes up screaming*
Wife: What happened??
Me: I had a dream that I’m jogging and a leopard wearing clown makeup with wings just flew out of a cave and attacked me.
Wife: Silly that’s impossible.
Me: The flying leopard part?
Wife: No, the part about you jogging.
Dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you both get naked and the societal expectation that women be smaller overwhelms you and the shame u feel about ur body drives you to tears
Some coworkers reheated lunch smells like it’s about to go missing in my stomach.
I told my husband not to get me anything for our anniversary. You don’t think he won’t get me anything, do you?
Don’t buy Colgate whitening toothpaste!!
Label reads: Guaranteed whiteness in only 14 days…
15 days later and I’m still black.
repaired
You don’t even want to know what people have used the ice tongs in your hotel room for.
Whenever customer service agents say that they’re recording the phone call, I’ve started saying, “I am too.”
Service is way better.
Mike Tyson’s apartment building
My 6yo is upset with my wife and I and promised to never talk to us ever again because we were both ignoring her as she was talking to us. At 6AM. While we were both still sleeping.
People who hate candy corn love telling you.
Hi I’m the protagonist of a YA horror story. My name is something VERY SYMBOLIC like Persephone Underworld or Circe Evil-Lineage. Tho it seems vague, if you’re good at doing an allegory you’ll understand it’s a hint that my family has an evil, death-related history. Spoiler alert
i will email myself something and then immediately stress once i hear the email notification bc i already forgot :/
Grew up in a neighborhood so tough, all the kids put onions in their ‘no tears’ shampoo.
You’re probably wondering how I tweet so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.
Me: Is the natural state of the soul quiet or chaos?
Taco Bell cashier: Look buddy, it’s transient, shifting like water
“Sorry I was skeptical about your cough.”
-my new line of Get Well cards
Me: I feel like we haven’t talked much lately. Why don’t we talk more often?
My husband: We can talk and fold laundry together later if you want.
Me: …
Him: …
Me: “I don’t want to talk to you” takes so much less time to say.
Him: How have you lived this long?
Me: *eating a handful of goldfish*
Everyone else in the pet store: *watches in horror*
*glow-in-the-dark vampire approaches*
ME: *trembling* Phospheratu?
My boyfriend’s really happy we can meet up again now lockdown’s over
My husband not so much so
me: my friends:
According to this grocery list I’ve written on my hand, I’ve invented a new language.
Doctor: I have bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: I just lost a ton gambling
Me: whew, I thought I was dying-
Doctor: I bet you weren’t dying