{Horses on a road trip passing my house}
HORSE 1: *Points at me in my yard* Human.
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i made cheesy potato soup & my 5-year-old walked into the kitchen and told me it “stinks like a raccoon”
guys what if I accidentally brought home the wrong baby from the hospital because I don’t know if this one is mine
Wife *returns home* anyone called?
Me: yeah, 5 called the baby an idiot.
For the past 3 years I’ve been playing this hilarious game where I steal pajamas from women I sleep with. So far I’ve acquired a total of 0 pajamas.
“It’s too late. You can’t stop it now.”
– Every villain in every single movie moments before the hero stops them now
Them: Awwww, congrats! Are you about 6 months along?
Me: Nah, just ate a burrito supreme.
Them: I THINK IT’S TWINS!!!
I think I may have screwed up. When I saw on here how the ladies liked the dad bod I went and got 3.
I was jumping on the trampoline with my son and now my neighbour won’t stop mowing his lawn next to the fence
[meeting at the headquarters of literally any app]
good morning everyone, let’s get started. the first and only item on our agenda is, how do we make this app worse
Names that sound like Tarzan describing people:
William Hurt
Emily Blunt
Edgar Wright
John Goodman
Shelley Long
Timothy Treadwell
Emma Stone
Jack Black
He-man has a Masters degree
Most of the time I fall asleep before I figure out which remote does what again
why did we just collectively decide that fantasy worlds need to be populated solely by british, irish, scottish, welsh, new zealand, and australian accents? i want ethereal faires who sound like they were born and raised on a farm in tennessee
[DUI checkpoint]
Cop: I’m gonna need you to follow my finger
Me: As long as it doesn’t tweet inspirational stuff
An Italian engineer was kidnapped in Nigeria.
Demands were sent via email to his family, but they just got deleted as spam.
In my culture, yawning and rolling my eyes during a Zoom meeting is a sign of respect.
barista: room for cream?
me: oh you must be new *puts hand on his shoulder* that’s called a refrigerator
When I practice my saxophone I have to put the cat in the window, so my neighbours know I’m not kicking it around the living room.
I’m still upset that my parents didn’t support my dream of becoming an assassin.
[god inventing humans]
angel: what does it do
god: creates, loves, invents…
angel: awesome
god: storms area 51 in the style of an anime character
angel: wtf
god: it also makes quiche
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
-Waiter please, I’ll have a Sprite, thank you.
-Sorry we only have Coke.
-OK an eightball then.
*beach*
Lifeguard: Dammit, I just stepped on your dog’s crap!
Me: I guess that makes you a liar.
Lifeguard: Excuse me?!
Me: The sign says “No Lifeguard On Duty.”
(friends getting chinese noodles without you)
that’s pretty lo, mein
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
BREAKING NEWS …. Lisa on Facebook is so done with this week and now she is headed to Chili’s for some much needed margaritas with the gals ….
Me: What’s for dinner?
Her: Chinese.
Me: I will make the Duck Sauce.
*catches duck
*fires up juicer
I will die on a white floor just to mess with the chalk outline guy.
If you call all the priests “daddy” you don’t have to go back to church.
Stop correcting my vodkabulary
I’m not a shout it from the rooftops kind of person, but I’ll write it on a post-it and leave it lying around for people to see.