not to be confused with the baby elephant-sized meteor as heavy as 4 corgis!!
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them: do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you god?
me: finger quotes sure
Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah…..
“can you send us a writing sample?” no but i can send you multiple screenshots of me killing it in the group chat
Me: so then you bring in 3 investors and like they bring in 3 investors and it just keeps going and going until we all get rich. You get it?
Pharaoh: i actually love this
My biggest fear is a serial killer brewing a fresh pot of coffee, while I’m trying to play dead.
The Wi-Fi is out so I guess I’ll have to go harvest DVDs from the field the way my grandmother used to do.
A roof is a house hat.
Forget a beach bod I want a bat’s bod give me giant fangs and the long, leathery wings I need to rule the night
DENTIST: I need to test how sensitive you are
ME: Ok
DENTIST: You have a stupid haircut
ME *lip starts trembling*
DENTIST: I see
PISSED: teen gets fed up with teacher
“can i use the bathroom?”
“i don’t know, CAN you?”
*takes deep breath*
*pisses all over teachers desk*
Worlds greatest photobomb
[Having a tea party]
Kid: *takes sip, spits it out*
Me: Oops, I gave you the wrong one! So sorry that’s Mommy’s “tea”
*raises hand* is it bc of the gravity
*starts the “Fight Fight Fight” chant in the background of the conference call as two people argue*
I downloaded Google Wallet but there was no money in that one either. wtf
Sometimes as a woman all i want is for a man to grab me, throw me into bed and then clean my house while i sleep
Wonder why we didn’t get blimp sky view coverage of game.
FBI: oops wrong one
therapist: so what’s troubling you?
me: my parents taught me to be so polite that now i have trouble taking up any emotional real estate
therapist: and how does that make you feel?
me: fine
Them: How many calories do you eat each day?
Me: Usually 1500, sometimes 10,000.
My cat has a legal name but she prefers to go by her pet name.
I’ve been dressing all the chipmunks in my neighborhood up as lil miners but their tiny headlamps are making it too easy for owls to spot them this is a nightmare
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
sphinx: answer my riddle correctly or die
me: 27
sphinx: but i haven’t asked the question…
me: [laying my head under her paw] we gonna do this or what?
Rasputin never died that day, as an immortal being. He hid for decades, before dropping the “Ras” and slipping back into Russian politics.
I’m not the person to call if you need someone to stop you splurging on 10 new books. I’m the one that will hand you the 11th
I bet Dog heaven and Squirrel hell are the same place
[party]
ME: You’re out of shrimp.
HOST: That was fast. I’ll get more.
BF: Where are your manners?
ME: Under the heap of shrimp in my purse.
[returning toothpaste]
Yeahhh, this didn’t hold my husband’s teeth together at all.
My friend thinks her husband is cheating on her. I don’t have the heart to tell her he’s just out chasing Pokemon.
I began speaking English with a French intonation after a fender bender. Well, I guess accents will happen.