DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow
T-REX: oh great
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I wish you’d told me you were happy just flirting on twitter. I’ve already bought plane tickets and murdered my wife.
[dragging knife across my cheek] you should be so lucky to find my hair in your food
Wendy’s manager: you are very fired
Bewitched was my favorite show about a woman who had a magical power & couldn’t use it because she got married.
Who called it a pillow fight and not attack with a bedly weapon?
Thank you.
Husband: why are you taking so long to get ready???!!
Later:
-eats the snacks I packed
-drinks my water bottle
-uses my cell phone charger
Me: I wish I had an egg and cheese biscuit.
Husband: McDonald’s sells breakfast all day.
Me, feigning surprise: They do?
Husband: Yes, want me to go?
Me: That is so sweet you don’t have to.
Husband: But I want to!And that is how marriage works.
Doctors would be pretty cool superheroes except for the fact their weakness is apples.
The good news: She actually gave me her number
The bad news: She asked for it back after I fell and tripped into a plant walking away
Psychic: I’m also a medium.
Me: I’m a large or extra large depending on the brand.
My wife hates it when I say “You are just like your mother!”
Actually, she hates it when I say *anything* during sex.
Nobody loves a thunderstorm more than a teenager who promised to mow the lawn today.
[Calling concert venues across the country]
Hi yes, I’m just calling to let you know that on your website you spelled “weekend” incorrectly
Shout-out to my embarrassingly squeaky ass bed frame that makes me sound more popular than I actually am to my neighbors.
They were testing a machine that calculates your age based on your reflexes. Turns out I am 140 years old.
[Library]
MAN: Do you have books on fire?
LIBRARIAN: Yes, in the Chemistry section
MAN: Come on boys!
*Swarms of firemen enter with hoses*
I went through and unfollowed everyone who is better looking than me.
It took a lot longer than I thought it would.
Saw a “Toby Keith’s I Love This Bar” that went out of business. Apparently he was the only one.
SECURITY GUARD: [speaking into the cuff of his shirt] The president is on his way to the car
LITTLE MOUSE THAT LIVES IN HIS SLEEVE: Ok cool
bury ourselves
Well. That’s not a good sign.
eating mac and cheese in 64 bites is called mine kraft
her: aww you’re a cat dad!!
me: yeah, part of me thinks cats ward off evil spirits or multidimensional beings
her: oh-
me: that’s probably why they kill so many birds
her: i… um…
me: and also they’re tiny lil angel babies
her: yay!!!
“Say TGIF ONE more time” I say, scowling at my coworker with no children, “Go ahead, say it again.”
Comment on your friend’s vacation group photos and ask which kid is their favorite. Then suggest which child you believe should be the favorite.
The only thing worse than your kid bringing home a drawing to hang on the fridge is when another kid gifts your kid a drawing and they want to hang it on the fridge.
Shaved my legs and now I keep sliding off the bed.
Friend: “You really shouldn’t let pets sleep in your bed.”
Me: “But I like cuddling!”
Friend: “I think your goldfish is dead now.”
Even my imaginary friend got bored and left me a note saying ‘we should see other people’
This kid is a star!