“Ok, let’s go now” 😂
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Nothing inspires me more to get up every morning than my full bladder.
GPS: Take the next right.
Me:
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
Me: [Going 70mph down a hill in a Target shopping cart] I don’t know how to tell you this…
The comment ads on twitter are so trippy
“And now a break from 2 people wishing death upon each other for a message about life insurance”
My horoscope said I will soon find the man of my dreams. I thought, “I’ve been married 25yrs,” then I thought, “But I’ll keep an open mind.”
thank god the sign was there
PRIEST: *cry laughing
ME: I told you I was funny when I was drunk
MY FIANCÉ: Yeah…hi
Took my 4yo to the optician to get new glasses and before we left, the optician asked if he had any questions and he thought about it then said “why can’t we just eat cake for breakfast” and I was pleased because I wanted to know the answer to that too
Lunchables™? huge waste of money! I have my kids mill their own wheat then hunt, kill & field strip a wild bologna
I got my patience from waiting half the day to download a song from Limewire
Me: You wrote a play?
Him: Well, I used a ghost writer.
Me (whispering): was it Shakespeare?
I wonder if racist families have that one liberal uncle who gets drunk at Thanksgiving and goes on about how Obama is DEFINITELY American.
no
When the pandemic ends, don’t forget to update your Face ID so your phone can recognize you without that cheeto dust mustache.
My 3 year old daughter lost screen time for misbehavior, and now she keeps trying to talk to me.
Well-played, kid. Well-played.
Literally nothing gives me more anxiety than when someone asks me what I like to do for fun.
Mermaids is much more serious than mermsyphilis.
I once watched a mime choke to death on a street corner and everyone applauded. For a couple of reasons.
good for her
Not to brag in front of all the other moms at this swim meet, but my kid can swim in slow motion.
I believe you cannot save people, you can only just love them. Which is probably why my job as a lifeguard didn’t last long.
*sees co-worker outside of work, hisses like a cat*
If you want my opinion ask my wife
Me: I want a never ending spoon of Ben and Jerry’s
Genie: done
Ben Affleck and Jerry Garcia: why are we hugging this guy
Me: shhh
[In a meeting]
Chad: You look tired this morning, Liz.
Liz: *glares*
Me: *whispers* nobody can help you now, Chad.
Christmas note to self: too much tequila makes tinsel look tasty.
Million dollar idea: a shirt made out of eyeglass cleaning cloth
Panty-less waxed woman hanging off a bridge “I’m gonna jump into that canoe”. Me: “No that’s your reflection”.
Me: *facepalm*
CDC: Stop that.
My shower gel is £1 but my washing up liquid is £2. Why am I spending twice as much to clean my plates as I am to clean myself? We’re both covered in the same pasta sauce.
Jesus: one of you will betray me
Judas: *surprised pikachu face*