We’ve designed you a new phone 007.
It’s exactly the same as your old phone but you’ll need to buy a new charger.
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My mom’s 60-something friend was set up with a 67-year-old guy who is “not looking for anything serious” in case you think that ever ends
If you rarely drive on snow, just pretend you’re taking your grandma to church. There’s a platter of biscuits and 2 gallons of sweet tea in glass jars in the back seat. She’s wearing a new dress and holding a crock pot full of gravy.
Sure my haircuts weren’t always great, but Mom did the best she could while also frying bacon, talking on the phone and smoking a cigarette.
Help Wanted
Her: What superpower would you choose?
Me: *sweating* Definitely the USA or China.
day 1 of quarantine: i have stockpiled 1200 tubes of yogurt
day 2 of quarantine: my kids have just finished the last of the yogurt
Carl: What a cute dog! Does he know any tricks?
Dog: Shut up, Carl
Carl: Wow! How did he learn to talk?
Me: Shut up, Carl
I keep a spray bottle in my purse just in case a flash mob breaks out near me
Me: I got really cranky with Alexa this morning because she wouldn’t respond to any of my queries.
Wife: What? Why?
Me: I was calling her Siri.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I’m naming our next kid.
We got our cats a water fountain. Now they stand around it holding little paper cups and gossiping about us.
My kids: ROAD TRIP!
My kids, ten minutes later:
Not to brag, but a news anchor started following me today. She recognizes a disaster when she sees one.
[Picasso’s Blue Period]
Picasso: holy shit, call a gynecologist
“Do you think I reference dinosaurs too much when I write?” I asked.
She was silent, like the p in pterodactyl, but it said everything.
I am fluent in three languages…english, sarcasm, and profanity
I somehow ended up with a set of 6 fake candles that work off a remote and the delight of the absolute power to light up the room from the couch was most unexpected.
Darth Vader: Luke, I am your father
Luke: really?
Darth Vader: yeah. Why?
Luke: you have the voice of a heavyset black guy is all
“Do what your gut says”
– well, right now , its Telling me i need to stop eating Pizza
Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.
Using statistics to make friends with golfers on Facebook 👍💛
wordle is just figuring out who to put in the bunkers during the apocalypse so humans can start procreating after.
[Traffic jam]
CAR 1: Hoonk!
CAR 2: Honk!
CAR 3: Honk, hooonk!
ME: *Holding up my goose* No pressure, Chester, whenever you’re ready.
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
Wife: [reaches for the fries on my plate]
Me: [slides grocery divider between plates]
Wife: you said you didn’t take that from the store.
Me: and you said you didn’t want any fries but here we are.
Sometimes I’m out in public and I have to look down real quick to make sure I remembered to put on pants.
Do those “selfie sticks” retract, or do you just have to walk around like a doofus with a stick all day?
6: What’s a hangover?
Me: The interest repayment on fun.
Every time my kid says “Dad, remember when…” in front of his friends I know I’m about to hear the craziest lie and I’m all in on it
So when is too soon to ask your friend if you can borrow their baby to reenact The Lion King? One day old? Two?
Gotta respect birds, living in trees means they completely avoid paying property tax.