rhino: how did you go extinct?
dinosaur: giant meteor from space, you?
rhino: hunted by cruel man, how about you big guy
panda: just couldn’t be bothered to have sex to be honest, just fell over a lot, rolled about
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Thank God you’ve updated your status to “Finished lunch” after you first posted “Going to lunch” I really couldn’t tolerate more suspense.
[spreading rumors]
me: R
O
R
U M
S
Can you at least smile if you’re gonna be in the background of my selfie, Doc?
(takes off rubber glove)
“You can pull up your pants now.”
The FBI would save time on manhunts if they cross-referenced suspects with a list of people who’ve gotten married at Disney World.
Good Cop: If you confess now, you’ll probably just get probation.
Fad Cop: Hey Macarena!
Shouldn’t Spiderman have 4 more legs?
BRAAAAAIDS
-zombie sleepover
I do the same thing every other woman my age does in the shower. Argue with people in my head.
I envy those who look beautiful with a messy bun and not me who looks like I either just climbed out of a ditch or played with an outlet with a fork.
[Plastic surgeon’s office]
Duck: this is bullshit! *flies out window*
Secretary: what the hell was that?
Plastic Surgeon: He was upset about his bill
Donuts are beautiful creatures and they deserve their own week on the nature channels.
Me: [giggling] who is Thor’s favorite rapper?
Wife: I don’t know, MC Hammer?
Me: oh.
Wife: [sigh] what’s wrong?
Me: nothing…I mean…why did you say I don’t know if you clearly knew the answer.
Internal monologue during wedding vows: *Did she just say ‘resistance is futile’?*
Me: Waiter, there’s a fly in my primordial soup.
Waiter: Sorry, sir. I’ll ask him to evolve into something more pleasant.
[First date]
Sarah: I’m a twin.Me: Do you know what each other are thinking?
*meanwhile across town*
Sue: Sarah’s date isn’t going well.
When I was younger, I always wanted to become a Gregorian monk.
Unfortunately, I never had the chants
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
The only thing that could have made Coyote Ugly better would have been a few ceiling fans.
Me: How dilated is she?
Nurse: 4 centimeters.
Me: This is America.
Nurse: 0.000198838 furlongs.
I feel a little cheated when someone’s bio is in English but all their tweets are written in gobblety gobblety.
Putting sunscreen on kids feels like cardio
Wife: I want you to rake the yard today.
Me: Consider it done.[later]
Wife: I thought you were going to rake?
Me: I thought you were going to consider it done?
I hate when people use words without knowing the meaning…gives me a huge hysterectomy on the side of my head.
interviewer: one last question, name the coldest place on earth?
me: my ex’s heart
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: [holding back tears] you’re hired !!!
Who needs Botox when some discreetly placed scotch tape and social distancing are a thing.
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
I’m not scared of clowns, I’m scared of the man who chooses to become one.
[harry potter at work]
Colleague: when you were in school you killed a giant snake thing, right?
Harry: a basilisk, yes
Colleague: can’t even edit a google doc though, yikes *sips coffee*
“Where do escalators come from?”
“Well, when an Escalade and an alligator love each other very much…”