[first day as a pilot]
Me: we’re about to hit some mild turbulence and then a mountain
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me teaching american history: so the president’s job is he guards the declaration of independence from nicolas cage.
Little known fact: the eye is actually the least dangerous part of the entire tiger
James is coming over.
“James from work or James who thinks he’s a leprechaun?”J: TOP O’ THE MORNIN’ TO YA!
“I’ll hide the Lucky Charms.”
Pro tip: Sleep and nap with gloves on, so they can’t unlock your iPhone with your fingerprints.
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Me: Our baby cries all night
Doctor: That’s quite normal
Baby: ALL NIGHT
Doctor: Holy shit
Dad loved to say “there’s no price tag, must be free,” or, “there’s no expiration date, must be good,” now we hardly talk except when he calls from jail with food poisoning.
[Antichrist emerging from the ground]
*looks around*
Oh, I see you’ve all been doing a good job without me.
Fun fact: zombies actually walk normal when they’re drunk
Wash your hands like you got a club stamp you don’t want Mom to see
Don’t have a nemesis? Make one. Key a stranger’s car. Start whistling in a theater. Sign up a coworker for mailing lists. Make life exciting
Bad luck, Atheists named Christian.
Teen just came out of the dressing room wearing the ugliest top I’ve ever seen so I said ew no to which she answered mom this is literally my shirt that I’ve been wearing all day.
Nobody:
The Sun: I’m gonna make your underwear turn into a damp rolled up towel so you walk like you just rode a horse
I would like to believe if I ever met any of my idols I would act calm and normal. The problem with this is idk if I’ve ever acted calm or normal.
A national monument to those brave online heroes who were “First!” in comments.
My wife apparently was serious about the whole “even if you were the last man on earth” thing.
[1st day as a detective]
me: a vampire did it
partner: sorry?
me: no garlic here, means the victim couldn’t defend himself from a vampire
partner: what? that’s not how u investig- ok, there’s no raid either, so what, does that mean-
me: hmm ur right, it could have been ants
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and i ate them because im a velociraptor disguised as a milkshake vendor lol owned
In Texas you’re allowed to shoot someone just for being on your property. Man if I lived there I’d host sooo many parties
Damm August got somewhere to be don’t it
If self driving cars are the thing of the future could you imagine how that’s going to change the repossession game? Imagine missing a payment and your Subaru just starts backing itself down the driveway.
My dating history is like Halloween. People pretending to be someone they’re not come looking for handouts, then move on to someone else.
As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself that you can’t always trust Google Maps.
“Lunchables” is a good name because it doesn’t make any grandiose claims: “This is able to be eaten as lunch.”
If I got a nickel when someone called me an old soul,
I could buy a hot dog, french fries, a large coke, fill up my gas tank and still have enough left over to get a ticket to the baseball game
My doctor told me if I was 5″ taller I’d be at the ideal weight, so I’m going to try and give that a shot.
pugs look like regular dogs that ran into a door at full speed
¯_(ツ)_/¯
[in bed]
Her: *seductively whispering* in the mood for a midnight snack?
Me: *Oreo crumbs all over my face* I’m way ahead of you
I just want to be high enough on the corporate ladder so I can walk around the office and yell at ppl while I’m eating a salad