A poltergeist was moving furniture around the house, and I really love what he’s done with the place.
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Most of you didn’t even question if turtles would make great ninjas. You just believed it. I should’ve known then we’d end up where we are.
Did you just pronounce “etc.” as “eg-sed-ra”, sir?
Saw a teen couple buying condoms in the pharmacy so I let my grandbaby run around their feet & whispered ‘that’s the brand my daughter used’
Want guests to leave early? Don’t give them your WiFi password
You’re welcome
robber: be cool this is a robbery
me: [unbuttons the top three buttons of my shirt]
Got fired from the duty free store for never showing up which is very misleading and also bullshit.
After staying home with the kids, my first day back to work was going great until I peed with the door open yelling SHARE!
[phone rings in 1984]
“Eric get the phone”
Hello?
“Tell em I’m not home.”
She’s not home.
“Ask who it is.”
My mom wants to know who this is.
Remember guys, it costs zero dollars to be annoying to strangers on the internet.
Caveman Summer
Dad: Go. Play. Outside.
8: But I want to draw on walls
D: GO!
8: Fine!
*he goes
Mom: Why don’t you go with him?
D: Dinosaurs
I think it’s finally time for me to get those ice cubes I’ve been saving under the refrigerator.
TO MY SECRET ADMIRER: thank u for the flowers!! You accidentally had them sent next door & the card says ‘Penelope’ but it’s ok I love them😍
EXORCIST: the previous tenant was murdered. You can see their ghost in the background of this photo
SPOOKY GHOST VOICE: oooomg deleeeete it
Good morning to everyone, especially those who say “oh ffs, what now?” Every time their news notification on their phone goes off
I tripped going up the escalator and fell down the stairs for like 20 minutes.
dad: *holds up condoms* what are these
son: …
dad: *pulls out matches* you’re gonna smoke every last one
My sister told me a guy dressed as Michael Myers for a 3k today. Slow walked the entire time and finished dead last.
There are few things I respect more than full commitment to the bit.
Me: *watching Fargo* Hmmm everybody seems to mostly be traveling short distances
If you had a terrible childhood, you’ll be super-bummed out by Bank of America’s options for security questions.
I saw a pigeon walking alone today. I was like you and me both buddy then he met up with his friends and I was like TRAITOR!
Picnic ruined by underwhelming potato salad (and Fire ants).
my phone, crying: ..pleaSe… I have no space…. delete some photos… I’m begGing you….
me: *hits download*
Me to Kids: …and so the princess married the first person who asked her, and that’s called ‘settling,’ can you say ‘never settle,’ children?
Husband, walking in: What the- what kind of bedtime story is THAT?
Me, fleeing room: And they all lived happilyeveraftergoodnight!
My 4yo asked if the tooth fairy pulls your teeth out in your sleep, and I deserve an award for taking the mature not-funny path of telling her “no”.
guys I’m going home
Phone
Me: OWWW *sudden commotion*
Person: What?! What’s HAPPENING?
Me: A spider bit me
P: What kind?
Me: The dead now kind.
Wife: I’m heading to the store.
Me: Why?! The roads are super icy.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: Drive really carefully.
*My kids are fighting*
9yo: You’re acting like a baby !
6yo: And you’re acting like dad !
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
His breath smelled like rotten eggs & bad cheese so draw a lot of those smelly lines by his mouth
My son asked Alexa to play The Imperial March, and it synced with my 3yo storming away after her tantrum. It was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.