The longest 30 seconds of your life happen when you shut the router off to reset the WiFi
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“can you explain this gap in your employment history”
yah i was a toddler
CW: Linda! Did you forget the boss is treating us to lunch today?
Me: *mouthful of food*
*blink blink* No I didn’t forget.
Always remember the first move in every fight…punch to the balls.
If I ever win the lottery & someone asks me for money I’m going to give them a dollar & say “Here. Go play the Lottery. That’s what I did.”
A dog barks in the distance. I look over at my own dogs.
“See how annoying that is?”
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you have a flock of sheep that’s having trouble with foxes/dogs get an alpaca. The alpaca will happy join the flock as a ‘long sheep’ and will kick the shit out of anyone who messes with its gang.
Source: grew up on a farm.
Darn, my 250 million years old salt has expired.
Went to Target to look at discounted Christmas stuff but apparently it’s Valentine’s Day now.
A fun thing about having kids is how they ask for help with their homework.
On the way to school.
Fitbit says it’s time to chase another victim through the cornfield.
me: what is it boy?
my stomach: brrrggfkppr
me: you need food? vitamins and minerals? protein? fiber?
my stomach: hrrrbbb
me: would you settle for 89 potato chips?
Anytime a guy says “that’s what she said” always reply with “yeah, but not to you”.
[taking pregnant wife to hospital ER]
Me: Help! My wife’s having contradictions!
Dr: Don’t you mean contractions?
Wife: Never say never
Practice self-care like vampires: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
when there was one set of footprints in the sand, that was when I tripped and fell but Jesus didn’t see and he kept walking for a little bit
Nutella. A delicious mix of nuts and umbrellas.
*puts on pickle costume*
*gets stuck in pickle costume*
*calls friend*
Could you please help me?
I’ve gotten my myself into a pickle.
They stopped making ghosts just after the civil war. You’ll never see a ghost with a man bun or hitting a juul
When he says he likes your personality but he hasn’t met them all.
Astrology isn’t real. Oh wait- I share a birthday with Lizzie Borden? Okay, that checks out.
“On this one particular day every year we put on different clothes and pretend we are someone else then we go to strangers’ houses and ask for stuff”
Aliens: WHAT
health insurance agent: and do you smoke?
me: *winking* only after sex
hia: *filling in the application* client doesn’t smoke
You can add “cha cha cha” to any sentence you want without explaining yourself. Nobody really appreciates this.
Kale is made of old hotel shower curtains.
Change my mind.
[creates anti aging pill]
Reporter: wow imagine all the human applications this can have
*I scribble out ‘give to puppies’*
Yeah absolutely
I was worried that Tim Kaine was too boring and then I remembered entertainment is what got us into this mess.
Oh, your kid is in all honors courses. That’s cool. Well, my kids are learning from real life experiences like why we don’t put forks in the microwave.
One time back before automatic signatures I wrote a rather stern email to a group at work about a poorly-run project. I hastily closed with “Regards, (my name)” or at least thought I did; that day I learned qwerty keyboards are my enemies thanks to the proximity of the G to the T
If I ever get kidnapped, my plan is to just talk non-stop about Lost until they see that I’m very annoying, and they return me to safety.
*walks up to Michael Cohen’s door*
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Says.”
“Says who?”
“THE POLLS. ALL OF THEM.”