i smell a pulitzer
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My middle schooler called me “mid” and I’ve gotta be honest, not a fan of having to google something before deciding how offended I am.
Remember, you can become haunted by a ghost whenever you want. You’re an adult.
What’s the craziest thing you’ve done for money?
I’ll go first: I went to college.
angel: you died
me: oh no
angel: but at least you lived a good life
me:
angel: helped others
me:
angel: did all u could
me:
angel: *checking clipboard* I’ve got the wrong notes, haven’t I
me: I didn’t wanna interrupt
I’ve concluded English is my phone’s second language. It’s the only explanation for all the bizarre autocorrects and typos that plague me.
You think cannonballs scream ‘humans’ right before they land in water
What do you mean I can’t change the past?
*logs on to Wikipedia*
Got asked to be godfather of my niece, so if anything happens to her parents then someone else has to take care of her because I said no
It may be an unpopular opinion, so block me if you must, but not all Girl Scout cookies are good. Their “Toast-yay!” should be called “Toast-boo!”
YOU (falling prey to the pathetic fallacy): The sky is angry tonight.
ME (science-loving, dispassionate): Everything is angry all the time.
My daughter stole and lost my good brow tweezers, and the only good thing is that now when I yell at her about it my brows look extra angry.
I forgot the word “memorial” so I called it a dead person shout out.
People always say I make things sound sexual but I try not to pry them open and force my thick throbbing opinion down inside them.
I look at beautiful girls the same way I look at traffic. Meaning that I’m stuck and going nowhere with them
Interviewer: According to your resume, you’re one of the greatest fiction writers the world has ever known
Me: Yes, I wrote that
Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
broke my arm doing a trust fall during a team building zoom meeting
Dogs: I could vomit on the vinyl floor but this carpet two inches to the right seems better
If you are fasting you can’t swallow that piece of food that’s been between your teeth for the past 17 hours.
[me as an uber driver]
yeah I have a degree but this way I can also make crying in my car profitable
Her: What superpower would you choose?
Me: *sweating* Definitely the USA or China.
Emotions? No thanks. I’m trying to cut down.
My birthstone is a sushi roll.
Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.
~What is your sin, child?
My husband and I are arguing
~That’s very common.
…about my boyfriend.
I made popcorn.
Teen smelled popcorn.
I no longer have popcorn.
Me: [at the gym] arm or leg day?
Octopus: [crying] I’m not sure
DON’T INTERRUPT ME!!!
(me, in a drunken argument with your dog)
My key takeaway from Ghostbusters was that once you’re dead, your Miranda rights don’t count for shit.
How is this not always the biggest story of the day?