China spy balloon:
“We’re trying to contact you about your car’s extended warranty.”
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Starting to think that adult supervision is a myth. In fact, my eyes seem to be getting worse.
“Bigotry”
-an Italian guy describing an oak
Now that people ignore word meanings and say they haven’t done/seen/whatever something “in a minute” when they actually mean anything from a week to thirty years, I’m going to take that concept in the other direction and describe small time periods as “several millenia.”
This intermittent fasting thing would be so much easier if I could just move the clocks ahead so willy nilly every day
ME: who’s a good boy
*kissy noises*
DOG: I just murdered the cat
ME: you are, yes you are
*rubs dog’s head*
DOG: you’re next buddy
MOM STOP LICKING YOUR FINGER TO CLEAN MY FACE I’M IN A GANG NOW
The pillow is my all-time favorite soft, fluffy, comfortable murder weapon.
I’m a hiring manager with a team of nine. Two are called Tom. I recently interviewed a candidate for my team. He was almost perfect but I can’t hire him because he is also called Tom and two Tom’s are enough.
A gentle reminder that all your panic buying will be going out of date soon. Enjoy your 36 egg omelette, you fat wankers.
Me: I still have water in my ears from yesterday. I can’t hear the kids.
Wife: You should shake it out.
Me: Why would I want to do that?
If you skip away from a crime they’ll never suspect you.
when someone references the Ottoman Empire and i picture a bunch of Turks, with their feet up, relaxing.
“Baby, I’m in the bedroom waiting for you”
Now I got your attention, let me show you a proper way to make the bed.
They’ve let the kids out of school in advance of the bad weather so it’s our duty as adults to nod & greet one another in town with “Storm’s comin.”
my son and I accidentally ended up on different teams in laser tag and every time I shot him he said “wow” in a dramatic disappointed voice
How much for the soulmate?
Ma’am, that’s a bag of Doritos.
My neighbors have been listening to my kid’s favorite song over and over and over today. Whether they liked it or not.
what are they serving at kfc then???
Micro-dosing sleep by just closing my eyes for a moment while I’m driving.
…Hey, this road has a lot more fish than usual.
15 hours may seem like a lot of time to spend on a 1st grade space diorama, but you should have seen the look on my son’s face when he saw it for the first time on the drive to school this morning.
Dolly Parton not making lollipops in the shape of her head and calling them Dollipops is unfortunate.
I wonder if Eric Clapton really thought she looked Wonderful or was it just the 20th outfit she’d tried & he just wanted to get to the party
“Hey, smell this.”
-Me, about to chloroform my feral kids before bedtime.
It’s crazy how quick women are to cut each other’s throats over a guy!
I mean I’d understand if it were shoes….but a guy???
Wife: Where have you been?
Me: [thinking about the studio apartment I disappear to when things are crazy at home] On a tri-state killing spree.
10 year old me preparing to tell my mom at 9pm I need glue and construction paper for my project due tomorrow.
Why do people send an @ just to be nasty. Oh yeah, because they are thick dumb cunts who have no life. Glad I cleared that up.
Me squiggling in heated car seat: now I know what meat in a crockpot feels like
Current fitness level: my arm gave out while blow drying my hair.
Me: Son, there is only one thing to fear in life. Fear itself!
Son: What about those meetings where you all have to say your name and a bit about yourself?
Me:
Son:
Me: There are only 2 things to fear