A good friend will delete your browser history for you, but a best friend will make your chalk lines smaller
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ME: *sees my shadow* holy shit i’m a groundhog
Twitter :
Where all the really weird kids at school who had no friends now have 7,913 of even weirder ones
My favorite part of Star Wars is when the angry guy was like “call me daddy”
[Having guests over for the first time after restrictions are lifted]
Them: Wow your place looks great! So clean!
Us: Thanks we were trying to stay alive.
I’M CRYINGGG
I love Bounty but even I think this is cursed
I might carry a baby with one hand.
My Mom taught me to treat others the way I want to be treated so I always walk up to strangers and spray canned cheese in their mouth.
[spider walking into first spin class] What’s the deal with the bikes?
me: [arriving in heaven] so did anybody cry at my funeral
god: oh actually your body is still in the ball pit
When I need a dose of logic and rational thinking I turn to my dog who has to this day never cut her own bangs.
Not to brag but I’m never late for work without a good reason. For example this week my boss is on vacation…
Just ran 45 minutes on the treadmill and burned 732 calories. Or as many people like to call it, 4 olives.
Honey, why do these IKEA sofa instructions show a hammer, two allen keys and a divorce lawyer’s office?
‘I just liked camping alone, you know?’
~Jason Voorhees, in therapy
Comedians should be funny (agree with my politics) instead of being political (not agreeing with my politics)
Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?
trying to carry a pet to bed is like moving a dense liquid that’s annoyed by you
Me: What do you need to watch out for while trick-or-treating?
Kids: Cars
Me: And…
Kids: Wine moms
“We are going to Taiwan”
Juan: No, please don’t!
“I think I’m falling for you.”
-replacement skydivers
wife: how is it outside?
me: windy. almost blew one kids hat off and some guy’s trying to figure out how to get his smart car out of a tree
[Asking for Sanctuary at the church]
Priest: your girlfriend finally heard that La Cucaracha horn you put on her car?
Me: yeah
My friend has a four-year-old and they’re teaching him Spanish in preschool. She said “Can you say ‘hello’ in Spanish?” He responded “Hello in Spanish.”
You know how some women ‘walk into’ their perfume? I’ve just done that but with a lamp post
MURDER HORNET: 2020 is my year
BRAIN-EATING AMOEBA: hold my contaminated tap water
Me: if I had to review it, the beginning was boring, none of it was believable. I didn’t care about the main characters but we got cake so one star
Bride: did you at least enjoy being maid of honor