Go to a doctor?
When there’s all this free advice on the internet?
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gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
Power went out in my office building & a maintenance guy said Transformers blew. Um yeah it was a bad movie buddy now what about the power??
Them: ugh could you be more annoying
Me: oh my yes
inflation so bad pets are getting jobs
just watched a bird catch a worm at 3 in the afternoon
everything is a lie nothing is real
Me: Go ahead.
Waiter: Huh?
Me: You’re staring at my hair. Go ahead & touch it.
Waiter: There’s a leaf in it.
Son: *picks up backpack* I’m off!
Me: Where are you going?
Son: The bathroom. I hear it’s great this time of year. Been planning this trip for minutes.
[later]
Me: How was your trip?
Son: Highly recommend it. Good to get away for a while.
Hey morons, when in doubt, just spell it “theiyr’re.”
[interview]
So your resume says you used to be in the theater
yes that is correct
What made you leave it?
well, the movie ended so
SOMEONE IS AT THEIR HOUSE!!!
– dogs
Me: *buys a baseball cap shopping with my 13yo Niece, rips off the tag, and curves the brim*
Niece: *stares at me like I committed a murder in front of her*
My resume is just an old VHS tape of the “Life Goes On” episode where Corky lip syncs “Fight the Power” for his school’s talent show.
Where in the hell are Dora the Explorer’s parents? Do they know she’s riding a damn crocodile into a volcano?
The thing that’s wrong with oatmeal raisin cookies is that they’re oatmeal raisin cookies.
The Supreme Court is really just a regular court with tomatoes and sour cream.
Him: Take them off. All of them.
*slowly unbuttons 50 cardigans
just found out I have poison ivy and the doctor gave me steroids so I guess now the plan is to get super jacked and go back and fight that plant
it’s crazy you can’t just go to prison. if you want to get in there, you have to rob a gas station there’s no other way
Someone hugged me at the office Christmas party and now they know my safe word.
oh you’re playing music at the beach?? you think your taste in music is superior to poseidon’s 24/7 ambient mixtape???
I empty the recycling bin on my computer like someone’s actually gonna come along and say “ew gross this bin needs emptied”
“We’ve got all the time in the world” said the dodo bird to the dinosaur.
Meatloaf wouldn’t have looked so winded if he’d just named the one thing he won’t do, instead of listing everything he would.
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….
CAT 911: what’s the emergency?
CAT: I can see a bird outside our clear wall
CAT 911: you mean a window?
CAT: no it’s definitely a bird
SON: Can horses run in the Olympics?
DAD: Wouldn’t be fair
SON: Why not?
DAD: [hand on son’s shoulder]
Usain Bolt is just too fast, buddy
I once started a “Think for yourself” cult and nobody came back after the first meeting.
Snacking on regular m&m’s and peanuts because I refuse to have my chocolate to peanut ratio dictated by some big corporation
I just tried a keto friendly cereal. I think tomorrow I’ll just eat my cabinets.