FRIEND FROM COLLEGE: After I sold my tech company, I moved to France where I met my wife, Juliette. We have three beautiful kids and run a bed & breakfast in Paris.
ME: Remember how I used to like creamy peanut butter? Now I like chunky
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thanks, but I’M TOO FAR AWAY FOR YOU TO BE HOLDING THE DOOR OPEN FOR ME WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS STOP IT
dutch is not a serious language
According to my scales, there could be four wolves inside of me.
sure I’ll interpret that dream for you, it’s about hydration, they’re all about hydration. why else would you be driving a bus full of chickens.
People will stop talking to you if you challenge them to a rap duel.
Friend: I got a job as a carpenter, but it sucks.
Me: No prob, just learn a few magic tricks and people will worship you as their savior.
Me: If you take them out of their natural habitat they seek revenge by burning your tounge
Sis:
M:
S: That’s a pizza roll. You’re high
Whenever someone asks why I have a bandaid on I say “I was fighting a henchman on top of a moving train and I got hit by a bee”
I’ve been waiting for the perfect time to change my Netflix password so my ex can’t use it anymore and it doesn’t really get much better than a national lockdown
None of the parenting books said ANYTHING about having to relearn chemistry at 10 PM.
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
All underwear is edible if you aren’t a coward
Friend: Those are really big sprinkles on your cupcake.
Me: They’re ibuprofen.
The reviews for Cats are in (17% on rotten tomatoes), and they are spectacular.
Each week our panel of 3 celebrity chefs compete to create the ultimate final meal for a death row inmate on LAST SUPPER, this fall on FOX
Jacob Marley: You will be haunted, by three spirits
Me: Ok, like that’s any worse than being haunted by the stupid thing I said in science class back in 2000.
[breakfast time]
Me: What do you want?My kid: I’m not sure
Me: How about the same thing you had yesterday and every single day before that?
My kid: I need more time to think
I paid $5.99 for The Interview. I now want North Korea to kill me.
my new yoga pose is called the lounging hippopotamus
As soon as the tide comes in it’s over for you beaches.
shaking my gf awake from a nap to tell her it’s kermit the frog’s birthday
caveman: *bit by a radioactive cave*
My kids trying to pick up the name brand hamburger buns like they think we are millionaires or something
Why do Mexicans eat tamales on Christmas?
Because they’re delicious, you racist asshole.
*pulls out earbud*
What?
“We need to talk.”
*pulls out earbud*
“You’ve been spending too much time at Chernobyl.”
*pulls out earbud*
No way
I saved my husband’s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.
[On a walk with my dad aka My Parents: A Love Story]
Dad shouting into his phone:
YES I TOOK THE GARBAGE OUT COMMA OUT WALKING NOW COMMA LOVE YOU EXCLAMATION POINT
Dating in your thirties is exhausting because you have to make small talk AND find the inner strength to stay up past 9
What part of this $7.50 Wal Mart T-shirt makes you think I’d like to see the wine list?
If someone at the party talks about tossing the salad I instinctively look to see who is trying to hold in their giggles.