When you and your favorite bird are very high at the zoo
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If anyone is missing a cup it’s probably in my daughter’s room
*watches Forensic Files for tips*
*taps pencil*
*scribbles “DON’T GET CAUGHT”*
*taps pencil*
*pauses*
*underlines it*
#AnAutumnAtrocity
New fall boots. 😆😆
Wife: an asteroid is on it’s way!
Hubby: Did you order that from Amazon too?
Why do they even bother calling him 007, when the first thing he does is introduce himself using his REAL NAME?
Things Brits say when they’re absolutely livid:
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“What’s going on in here?”
“With all due respect”
“I beg your pardon”
“Can I help you?”
“Now look”
“I’ll write a letter”
“I’ve had just about enough of this”
“Is there anybody else I can speak to?”
Wife: You should’ve written your best man speech
Me: Relax I can freestyle[Wedding]
Me: On Dave and Sarah’s big day, I’d like to
Dave *whispers in my ear*
Me: On Dave and Rebecca’s big day
Obama’s gonna take all your decorative soaps.
yesterday at the grocery store i saw 2 celebrities singing the imagine song to a shattered bottle of kombucha that fell on the floor
me, at burger king: before we begin this transaction i would like to introduce you to my hamburger advisor
cashier: okay, what would you like to order?
my hamburger advisor: {whispers to me before turning to the cashier} we would like to see the hamburger first
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
My husband has reached an age where he reads the menu out loud. The whole menu.
And then he has questions.
Please send help.
Go buy a burrito, leave it in your fridge, get drunk, come home and be your own best secret admirer.
10 y/o made her own chores list and after doing the dishes, she said she couldn’t believe we do them every day so I patted her on the head and said, “wait until you hear about this thing called laundry.”
“Some people call me the space cowboy”
*leans in*
“Some people call me the gangster of love”
BARISTA: I’m just gonna put Steve on the cup
I just sneezed and made direct eye contact with my dog and we somehow didn’t switch bodies wtf disney??
Husband [through locked door]: “I know you’re up, I saw your instagram post.”
[Ex-hot dog vendor, first day as a surgeon]
Me: Nurse, my good tongs, and 3 units of ketchup, STAT
Nurse: *just staring at my paper hat*
Therapist: You try too hard to get people to like you
Me: [painting her toenails] I need a “for instance”
I msgd him and he hasn’t msgd back. He was obviously so excited I msgd that he fainted.
[18 years after texting a guy “I’m pregnant”]
Him: hey I just saw your text
Well, son, back in my day, we didn’t have a fancy robot to turn the tv on for us. We only had a boomerang.
My phone just changed CrossFit to Croissant, this phone really knows me better than any human.
Why did the man with no hands go to the doctor?
Because he didn’t feel well.
Anytime I see a tweet in a different language, I read it as “Oo ee Oo ah ah, ting tang walla walla bing bang.”
People who incessantly go on and on about replacing things that taste good with quinoa, please stop
Oh you love your mom’s cooking? Name 4 of her dishes.
Take caution while searching the annals of history.
The anals of history provide very different results.
Fitness guru just tweeted “remember to breathe” and it was pure luck that I got the message in time.