Cause of death: Very rough shirt tag
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Just learnt how a cat yowls on heat. So glad we as humans don’t do it the same way
It wasn’t a crisis until my mother heard about it.
Got a lifetime ban from Target for spending less than $20
[skydiving with my dog]
Me: ur ears r inside out
My dog: can’t hear u my ears r inside out
Me: it’s the wind
My dog: I think it’s the wind
I gave all the neighborhood kids at the summer block party a whistle and was immediately asked to leave. That was easy.
Okay, raise your hand if you put raisins in your oatmeal cookies.
Great. Now, make a fist with that hand & punch yourself in the face.
Low fat tortilla chips and lite salsa?
That’s not what was meant by the words “skinny dipping.”
I’m not saying she’s worse than my mom…
But my wife doesn’t seem to like any of my girlfriends.
Boy: call me daddy 😉
Me:
When a cashier asks me if I found everything I was looking for, I take their hand, look deeply into their eyes and say, “I have now.”
[Pulling brother’s life support plug]
*whispers in ear*
“This is for that time you cheated at Monopoly.”
I work for the government which means I have to enter 2 passwords in order to print documents that are open to the public.
Don’t we all.
The hardest part of painting a nude self-portrait is having yourself over for drinks and convincing yourself to take off your clothes.
Just watched Home Alone 4 with my kids. The writers should be sentenced to a semester of Physics 101 at a community college.
I’d like to thank the people who buy the gift bags. Because of you, I have never had to buy a gift bag. Thank you, from the bottom of my large gift bag filled with smaller gift bags.
Obama: Joe, look. Full moon
Biden: What? TONIGHT? *starts shapeshifting*
Obama: Joe?
Biden: AARRGHHH
*Gore kicks door down*
Gore: MANBEARPIG
My daughter found my twitter. I have just one thing to say – clean your room.
if i was the one who drove the titanic i bet i could have hit at least 3 ice bergs before it sank
Don’t mind me while I aim the remote at your face and make fast-forward button gestures.
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
[13th century]
[my messenger pigeon flys in carrying a note]
me: oh hell ya she replied [i open the note and it says “read 7:49 pm”] god damnit
I never took a drama class but everyone at this birthday believes that I love this gluten free cake.
Your an idiot.
-You’re.
What?
-You’re not your.
But I said it. I didn’t type it. We’re talking.
-Yeah but I heard the typo.
You’re an idiot.
Just show up everyday and be consistent.
Toddlers make it easy to do that especially when they come to your room and just show up in your face, silently, at 3 am staring at you.
Eighty five percent of being a gardener is throwing snails from your seedlings over the neighbour’s fence.
Poking holes in your parents condoms so there’s someone else to do the dishes
ME: i’m writing a book about lame cars
HER: what’s it called
ME: sorry, no spoilers
Him: Can you believe what’s going on in Egypt?
Me: Yeah…it’s crazy…I gotta go. Bye.
Me: *googles what’s happening in Egypt?*