Not to brag, but my tweets are enjoyed by well over 3 people worldwide.
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cop: this flat earther was ran over by a steamroller
detective: i guess you could say it’s [puts on sunglasses] really bright outside today
life has a lot less pushing cars filled with dead bodies into bogs than I was led to believe
FURNITURE MAKER WHO SECRETLY HATES HIS WIFE: Honey I created a new type of cabinet. I’m gonna name it after you
SUSAN: Aw baby that’s sweet
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
Everyone wants a wild, obsessive love until it parks on their lawn and sets up a tent next to the shrubbery.
Celebrity Parent: You guys were named after awards I won.
Emmy: That’s cool.
Oscar: Wow, interesting.
Sag: You know, you did win a Tony…
When we do get this coronavirus vaccine, it better not just be cake.
I’m starting to think some of these Marvel movies might be made up.
WIFE: would you take a bullet for me?
ME: baby I’d take a bullet for anyone
Just finished my first painting.
Tasted awful.
marriage advice: if you ask “is that guy a double agent?” enough times your husband will hand you the remote.
( spelling bee )
Your word is “passive-aggressive”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Sure, kid.
I’ll hold up the contest just for you.
I came home to find my boyfriend mopping the floor and my first thought was, “who’d he kill?”
If I was a kitty, I would smack you off the table.
(yawn)
Someone in this marriage has to be able to smell natural gas leaks and since *someone* had a lab accident I guess it’s going to be me.
Bruce Willis in a lot of action roles he’s played:
Bruce Killis
The Olympic trampolining is too easy. The event should start with the contestant dragging the trampoline out of the garage while drinking and being nagged by their kids at a barbecue.
The average person swallows 8 spiders in their sleep but it’s actually one guy who’s chowing down like 7500 a night to make the numbers work
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: It’s a surprise!
Her: You ran over a squirrel, didn’t you?
I wish I could veto my bills.
Cop scrolling through photos on my phone: we’ve had complaints that you’re stalking…wait…these are all of me!
Not a single one of my girlfriends has stuck around to see how many old school WWF finishing moves I know.
The reason the “Cars” movies have gained so much popularity is becuase the cars speak to one another. You don’t get that with real life cars
Just saw an amazing deal for Valentine’s Day “You’re My One and Only” cards.. 2 for $5
No, you tell me what YOU were doing during that gap in my resume.
When fans used to race in to get the winners golf ball
Being a brown man is hard but it would really suck if one day I failed a CAPTCHA & found out I was a robot on top of that
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re with their significant other.
Artist: I like to sketch women sitting on outdoor furniture.
Her: Draw me like one of your bench girls.