Optimus Prime implies the existence of Optimus Fresh, and for a nominal monthly fee, Optimus Audible.
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[on phone with mom]
SHE SAID YES!!!!
“congrats, son”
I asked her if she thought I was weird
“Wait what?”
She thinks I’m weird. We broke up
Spice up your boring roofing job by wearing roller skates.
THIS SHIT HAS ME DEAD 😭
I want to be more optimistic about aging but my 5 year old just found out I am 30 today and now she’s claiming the jewelry she wants to have when I’m dead.
I wish whitening toothpaste got my teeth as white as the places I drop it on my shirts.
NEW DRINKING GAME:
1) Put on the new Twilight movie
2) When you press play, take 59 shots of vodka so you can die before it starts.
*spreads Purell onto my English muffin*
You: (about to show me a video on your phone)
Me: oh haha ya i’ve seen this already but def don’t ask me any questions about it
Middle schoolers are terrifying because they haven’t even discovered empathy yet. just a bunch of psychopaths struggling to learn long division
CASHIER: [over PA] produce manager to the front pleas-
*scuffle noises*
ME: IF YOU SELL LETTUCE HEADS WHERE get off me WHERE ARE THE BODIES?
My baby girl turns 2 today and I’m so glad I bought her all these presents so she can play with the empty boxes and wrapping paper
Daughter: will you help me with my philosophy paper.
Me: who are you writing about?
Daughter: I haven’t picked anyone yet.
Me: sounds like you put Descartes before dehorse lol.
Daughter: seriously?
Me:
Daughter:
Me: Kant stop won’t stop : )
This guy’s luggage is masquerading as a mystery traveler and it’s freaking me out.
When a cop opens the car door for you, promises you an overnighter and talks about bonding… you’re not on a date with him, you’re spending the night in jail.
I know this now.
Kids are making millions off apps and games they’ve created and I haven’t watched TV in days because I hit a wrong button on the remote…
I crave feet in the sand, a gentle ocean breeze, the sun on my face, and two entirely new presidential candidates.
accountant: do you have any dependents?
me: i’m illegally running several celebrity pet accounts on IG right now.
Dang I didn’t make it to the gym today! That makes 5 years in a row
“Suicide Squad” looks like a bunch of people Avril Lavigne hangs out with.
*tosses bath towel on hotel floor*
[text from wife at home]
“Pick that up.”
Me: if you tell me how many cookies are in this jar, you can have them all.
She: you ate them all didn’t you?
Me: and we have a winner.
A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.
Coffee can’t solve all of my problems, but it can reduce the criminal charges for the future.
I think the implication that you might want to share your Kit Kat with 3 friends seems unreasonable.
I’m not your GameBoy, quit pushing my buttons
Why isn’t Spiderman’s greatest enemy named Shoeman?
All Amazon reviews are like
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: best product ever!
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: so amazing must buy
⭐️: DONT TRUST THE REVIEWS!! THIS PRODUCT KILLED MY FAMILY
My bank called me: “sir did you go to dominos at midnight three days in a row in Florida?”
Me:….yah
Bank:*long pause* “alright then”
I napped the entire afternoon away.
I still feel like garbage but at least I’m well-rested garbage.