[aliens making first contact]
Alien: here you go guys, now you won’t need to wear glasses
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*gets hit by a car*
Passerby: “ARE YOU OKAY?”
Me: “Please… I need my… phone”
*opens Twitter*
Me: “LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT”
If you ever get hit by a car, try to spin like a ballerina. You won’t get another chance like this.
“They’re like a sponge at this age” I say to the parents of the baby I’m using to scrub dishes with.
Jewish Baristas, or as I like to call them…
He brews.
I don’t drink alcohol, I drink spirits.
I’m not an alcoholic, I am spiritual.
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
Friends: Come get a drink with us after work?
Me: Nah, I gave up drinking for my New Year’s Resolution.
Friends: C’mon, just have one….
Me: Ok, maybe just one.
[ three hours later at the club ]
Me:
My younger co-workers were all watching a reel about flowbee and debating whether it was real or not so to be a part of the cool crowd convo I was like “I remember those!” and anyway that is not how you do that in case anyone was wondering.
I have two dogs, one dominates, the other is a subwoofer.
Babies have no idea when one of them is cuter than the other. So you have to tell them
due to the pandemic “following up” is currently suspended. if you try to “circle back” with me i will call the police
I guess when I thought that I would catch up on tv shows while recovering from surgery I forgot that my kids still live here
My dentist has a tremor. He’s a good dentist, but you just don’t know exactly what’s going to get fixed.
If youre a serial killer & you dont call your murder shack a ‘bloodshed,’ well I’ve just about given up on you
Countries whose names are lies:
• Chile – pretty warm
• Ivory Coast – it’s sand
• Greenland – nope
• Turkey – not a flightless bird
• United Kingdom
Caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing?
That’s bullshit.
jfc, the doctor doing my physical just asked if I was “that twitter guy” so I said “yup, I’m the funny twitter guy,” and he responded “I didn’t say funny.” We haven’t even gotten to the awkward part of this appointment yet 🙁
[throwes some foam packing peanuts into a pond]
“HEY! NO LITERING–”
shh wait
[a flock of rubber duckies float over squeaking excitedley]
I had 3 crackers, a ketchup packet, and a yogurt that said “Liz’s. Don’t Touch!” for lunch in case anyone wondered if tomorrow is payday.
At least the self-checkout doesn’t ask me what I’m making for dinner with these items or when I’m going to call my mother.
I loved Prince, and in my opinion, Michael Jackson was pale in comparison.
Have you tried soaking yourself in rice to fix your problems?
~ Me as a therapist
One horribly inappropriate comment and you’ll never be shown another baby photo at work ever again. Totally worth it.
My wife just threatened to kill me in my sleep, which seems much less horrifying than being killed wide awake. She’s always been thoughtful.
I congratulated a friend on his new baby on IG & his wife immediately sent me a message asking how I knew him.
I was his Sunday school teacher 25 years ago. Calm down, Brittany.
If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.
The duality of toddlers:
Banana = Best food in the worldBanana with the peel pulled down just a little too far = Worst thing that’s ever happened. Like honestly, how dare you?
What’s your standard response when you’re using a public restroom and someone knocks on the door? Because I just knocked on one and the person inside simply KNOCKED BACK. This feels like a game changer.
I found a Squirtle in my pants & I’m not even playing Pokémon Go!
[my funeral]
priest: we are all going to miss, uh… *snaps finger* you know.. *glances at my wife*
wife: *turns to my mom*
mom: Greg? I feel like it was something close to Greg.