co-worker: kinda weird how batman takes a kid out at night to punch felons
bruce wayne: [across the room] i dunno kinda sounds like you guys are just making it weird
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In my day, no one checked how old you were when you started kindergarten. We got left at the door and told to look 5.
Priest: Marriage lasts until death. You’re not married in heaven.
Me: Why not?
Wife: Then we’d be in hell.
I like to put on a clay mask and lurk around in the background while my daughter FaceTimes her friends.
HER: [flirting] I bet you have a lot of skeletons in your closet.
ME: Haha no. Those bodies won’t show their skeletons for months.
I wondered why my back was so sore until I saw my son jumping rope on a crack in the sidewalk.
Everything that my lip balm is, I want to be.
Rich, Hydrating, and Age-Defying.
They say olive oil is really healthy and you should put it on everything, but it makes my cat look like an otter.
Me: how is she?
Dr: well we’ve managed to save the leg
Me: oh thank god
Dr: she died
Me: …
Dr: so do you want the leg or what?
#BadTimeTravelAdvice Plague, shmlague. 13th century Europe is where it’s at!
[to the realtor showing me a property on sesame street] wait is that a vampire
This red flag smells like chloroformZZZ.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
Stopped in a country store yesterday and they were not selling any countries. 0 out of 10. Would not recommend.
Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.
All set.
Mongoose is French for “my goose.”
Sure reading a book under a tree is peaceful but imagine how stressful it is for the tree to see a bunch of it’s dead friends in your hand.
I bet if Bruce Banner had children he’d be the Hulk more than 90% of the time.
If you add the word “extraordinaire” to your job title you kick up your credibility another notch and earn your colleagues trust and respect without even trying.
I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and still haven’t pooped it out.
I’m getting really concerned.
Pharaohs were buried with their hands across their chest because of an ancient belief that there would be countless water slides in the after life.
Ruin your teenagers day by looking in their general direction.
I never lock my car. What is someone gonna steal, my thousands of McDonald’s napkins? Perhaps my broken sunglasses? Every water bottle my kids have ever opened and took one sip of? They’d be doing me a favor.
Bon Jovi promising we were half way there 37 years ago is why I have trust issues
[walks up to firefighters trying to put out a fire]
it’s alright guys i got this one.
*whips out a flamethrower*
TIME TO FIGHT FIRE WITH FI-
How come when a child shouts “This is dumb” at a wedding it’s considered cute, but when I do it, I’m immediately replaced by another priest?
Does the S in iPhone 5S stand for “superficial”? “Shallow”? “Slave”? Or “soon to be obsolete”?
The sequel to The Sound of Music starts with Maria and Capt. Von Trapp, cold and hungry, huddled together in the middle of the Alps making a list of the order in which to eat the children.
Your mom when the street lights been on 6 minutes and you’re not home yet.
FBI Agent: You’re accused of attempting to hijack a Mentos truck & drive it into a Diet Coke bottling plant
Me: …
FBI: …I kind of want to see that
Me: I KNOW, RIGHT?!