Relationship status: my last pickpocket had really gentle hands.
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I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
Annoying how when you go to the orchestra, there’s always that one wasted dude up front swaying and waving his arms around the whole time
I don’t understand how spending more money than i earn is irresponsible. i’m giving more than i take. i’m generous.
Squirrel having fun.. 😅
Give a man a fish and he will think, “what a creepy gift.”
Teach a man to fish and he will think, “My god, I have never known such boredom.”
Kidnappers: We have your husband. Send us $10,000 if you ever want to see him again.
Me: Where I should drop off his clothes?
I quit my job to become an archeologist.
My career is in ruins.
kanye west: beyoncé is the best there is & she’s one of the few true artists of our generation
me:
kanye:
me: how did u get in my room again
Never underestimate mothers. They can turn “mayhem” into “ma’am” with one narrowed glance.
My 1yo is crawling around on the floor eating a pretzel, which shouldn’t be a problem except I don’t remember the last time I bought pretzels.
pro: having a lovely time visiting canada
con: nobody would believe me if i got a boyfriend here
[me, at Hot Topic] ah yes, bring me your hottest topics, my good man
Furniture Salesman: This dining table is made of solid maple and can seat up to twelve people.
Me: (Dumps two loads of laundry on top.) I’ll take it.
If there were Doritos on the tree in the garden of Eden, they would not have had to wait for the snake. Adam and Eve would have eaten those things first day. They would have known all about good and evil.
No one lies to themself more than the person that says they’ll do the dishes after they “relax for a little bit”.
Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.
Worst ways to die
1. Burned alive
2. Suffocate
3. Die from frustration teaching your child to blow their nose
At the end of “Grease,” the car just started flying and everyone was all, “Aw, good for them.”
Job interviewer: So do you have any people skills?
Me: Eleven confirmed
JI: What?
Me: What?
I love movies from the 70s because they’re like “it’s okay to be sweaty for no reason” which is important to me
Hitmen probably get so annoyed when you spot the red laser dot and try to catch it like a cat.
I left my kids with a list of things for them to do today because apparently I like to be optimistic & disappointed at the same time.
At the grocery store some old lady seemed like she was hitting on me. Turns out we went to school together.
If I did one of those wine and paint nights the instructor would be like wow look at you, you are really good at wine.
some tweets get big favs but no RTs. why? [camera pans to dog in lab coat high up on a distant ledge. we’re too far away to hear his answer]
The children seemed disappointed when I told them the best part about being an adult is going to bed early.
One of the kids said, “Camping looks fun,” so tonight we’re watching The Revenant.
Explaining Jewish things to non-Jewish people makes you sound like you’re losing your mind. My little brother is getting married soon & had his “aufruf” & I repeated the word six times before being asked by my friend if I was barking at them.
Zooey Deschanel always looks like she’s been shown a card trick
20s: Rage Against The Machine
30s: Rage Against Literally Everything