I don’t have ADD. It’s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.
You Might Also Like
Congrats to everyone who just got cast in the new Star Wars movie. The film industry is telling you they think you look like an alien.
If you see a glass as half empty, pour it into a smaller glass.
You don’t know what real fear is, until you’ve been cornered by a Mariachi band playing a rendition of Hotel California.
New Neighbor: Hi, I’m Derek; I moved in downstairs.
Me: I’m Spencer; I’ll be looking in your window and judging your decorating choices.
Love how you can tuck a kid in normally and come back 20 minutes later and find their leg over their head, their foot in their mouth and their pajamas on the floor
Jesus: take of this bread, for it is my body
Judas: *cough* nepobaby *cough*
Jesus: what?
Judas: what?
Today’s episode of Wheel of Fortune has been cancelled because Jesus took the wheel.
Shout out to weather for giving me SOMETHING to talk about when I encounter neighbors.
You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together & there was only one life jacket, I’d miss you and think of you often.
“Can you validate my parking?”
“You parked beautifully. Your dad would be proud.”
*wipes away tears* “Thanks.”
[watching any cowboy movie ever] i should buy a horse
A car window made specifically for a dog to stick its head out of is called a sunwoof.
Who wants to be my Valentine?
hollywood loves making white people on tv eat chinese food directly from the container with chopsticks they can’t use so they just poke the food
*Getting a tattoo*
Me(to tattoo artist)-Do you ever make the bzzz-sounds with your mouth when you’re using a regular pen on your spare time?
If you wanna see that guy you used to like, go out in public looking your worst and it’s practically guaranteed.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why is the fattest holiday character the one that goes down the chimney?
Beauty & the Beast 2 is just 90 minutes of Belle and the prince shopping for new furniture after it all turned back into people.
When an American says he has a side piece, I’m not sure if it’s a woman or a weapon.
birds really just be screaming at 5am, go make breakfast damn
Swung by drugstore to pick up cheapo last minute anniversary gift for my girlfriend, completely forgetting about her new job as drugstore cashier.
First of all DO NOT address me as “Honey” if you’re coming to tell me you just SHRUNK the damn KIDS.
I bought beard oil yesterday, so now I have to pick a favorite IPA.
robber: be cool this is a robbery
me: [unbuttons the top three buttons of my shirt]
date: i love a guy who isn’t afraid to curse during sex
[later]
me: *yelling* avada kedavra
“why y’all clapping at 3AM?”
SCAM ALERT – IMPORTANT
The cat has already been fed.
what if cobwebs were delicious?
– cotton candy inventor
(at the gym). Hey can somebody spot me while I walk up the stairs?
There are 2 kinds of people in this world:
1. People who aren’t good with numbers