90% of my vocabulary is comprised of words I’m hoping you don’t realize I made up.
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[doing crossword]
Me: I’m looking for a word that means slight pause
Her: Hiatus?
Me: *erasing ‘our sex life’* thanks
What are these silent battles people keep talking about? None of my battles were quiet. I literally screamed the entire time because that’s half the fun.
As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself that you can’t always trust Google Maps.
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
“I like your skinny jeans, are they new?”
No, I bought them 15lbs ago
Me: [pokes Bruce Banner with a stick] why aren’t you angry? What’s your secret?
Dr. Bruce Banner: my secret? I’m always angry.
Me: Hi Always Angry! I’m Dad
The Incredible Hulk: are you happy now?
Me: no, I’m Dad
Fight Club but it’s just 19 and 16 duking it out over who takes “their” car—the one neither of them paid for
I never feel greater anxiety than the anxiety I feel when I watch people leaving a Marvel movie during the credits.
If you’re moving to a new house for a “fresh start,” congratulations your new house is haunted.
My wife just said that Twilight is better than The Lost Boys. I don’t think there’s a jury in the world that would convict me.
There’s a mom at the school pickup with a shirt that says “I don’t always whoomp, but when I do, there it is.” I think I love her
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
I slept like shit.
– how adults say “good morning”
I’m 32 and my mom took me clothes shopping or as she likes to call it a “please go back to school sale”
Autumn. When libraries see the classics fly off the shelves as people look for heavy books to press leaves.
My 8YO’s drawings of me have improved in detail. Although she still draws my body as a round ball, she now adds a nice touch by filling in the dark circles under my eyes.
When I took improv 101 in 2013, there was a guy who would make every single scene about a high school reunion. Made me feel like he took the class just to prepare for any possible scenario that could happen at an upcoming high school reunion
If I ever meet Morgan Freeman:
Wanna just come back to my place and sit at the end of my bed and tell me a bedtime story?
Please. nobody has to know.
me: yeah, i’m into fitness…fitness this whole pizza in my mouth.
executioner: did you plan your last meal around this?
My 19 y.o. watched a show where a romance ended badly.
In a distressed voice, she asked: “WHY can’t we just have a HAPPY ENDING?”
I involuntarily muttered under my breath: “Because we don’t have the money to pay the masseuse.”
19 y.o.: “What?”
Me: “I didn’t say anything.”
(standing in lava taking 20 damage a second) augh eurgh ugh augh augh ugh eurgh ohhg
Dance like you’re not the father
my bf had a bad experience getting a sub the other day where they put an ungodly amount of mayo on his sandwich and then that night he was talking in his sleep like “that’s plenty…. that enough may—“ homie was having stress dreams about mayo
i like my men like i like my coffee, secretly alcoholic.
I don’t ever use my blinker. It’s nobody’s business where I’m going.
If the Unabomber was so smart, why did he pick such a suspicious name
WIFE *walking in* omg I just saw the cutest dog driving home from work
ME: wow *scratches head* I wonder what sort of job he does
just once I want a doctor to ask if I’ve been eating enough potatoes
Intelligence is the new cleavage
At what point were people buying hotcakes so fast it set the bar?