witch: what do u need?
me: a spell to make my dad proud
dad: *rips off witch mask* always looking for a shortcut unbelievable
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wife: “this is really your idea of an anniversary present?”
me: [on the other walkie talkie] “you didn’t say over, over”
my son referred to me as “the 6 dwarfs” because I’m “everything except happy,” and honestly I’m not even mad, that was amazing
Until my sneezes have time to figure out their beliefs, please stop blessing them.
For fun I like to stir up facebook by just posting, “The funeral will be this Friday”
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V “Tuesday”
Gemini: Invisible hands draw closer to your throat. Also, an Adobe software update is available. It will require a restart.
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend has clearly never worn leggings.
When writing science fiction, always Google your made-up planet name; 9 times out of 10, it’s an existing yeast infection medication.
[First day on the job with Scooby-Doo and the gang]
Me: ok this giant dog keeps eating my sandwiches
fred flintstone was the first ever man to become a vitamin
no my tattoos do not have any meaning i am simply a child putting permanent stickers all over myself<3 stop asking pls
Whatchu want me to petit four? Pet it your own gotdamn self.
When one door closes, another kid will open it and air condition the whole darn neighborhood.
[plastic surgeon]
please my credit card it’s very sick
[rhyme factory]
BOSS: get cracking on those words that rhyme with “ow”
WORKER: yes sir
bow
cow
dow
how
*boss looks away*
low
mow
*boss looks back*
now
pow
*boss looks away again*
row
sow
tow
*boss looks back*
vow
wow
[interview to be an undercover agent]
Chief: Janine, can you send in the next applicant
Janine: yes sir; next!
[the large potted plant in the corner of the room stands up]
Chief: Janine, can you send home the remaining applicants
is nasa ok
I’ve seen or heard about Batman’s parents’ death so many times I feel like an accessory to murder for not going to the authorities.
Hey! This is your home!
It’s kinda messy… but you’ll get use to that!-my 6yo, welcoming his new baby sister 😂😂💀
I forgot the word “memorial” so I called it a dead person shout out.
Judge: how does your client plead?
Me, a lawyer: it was just a little murder and the victim was a bit of a prick actually
watching seinfeld on netflix, recalling the time in india when a seinfeld episode came on my host family’s tv and i said “ooh everyone watch this, this is my culture” and it was the one where george’s fiancee dies from licking all the wedding envelopes and they were horrified
Date: Are you winking or blinking?
Cyclops: I do not know.
For such a picky eater, I’m certainly not a picky weight gainer.
“Have some balls. Speak your mind. Keep it real.” – People with anonymous Twitter accounts
Pro tip: Sleep and nap with gloves on, so they can’t unlock your iPhone with your fingerprints.
The best way to get your kid to play with 800 toys at once is to tell then you’re going to donate them to charity.