It’s all fun in the sun until a swarm of mosquitoes is carrying your kid across the yard.
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The Terminator: I need your clothes
Me: no problem *unbuttons skinny jeans and lays down* pull
The Terminator: ok this isn’t going to work
Me: *holding up a leg* PULL
[uber driver dropping me off at the gym] see you back here in five minutes
My 4yo just saw two people french kissing on TV and asked me why they were “eating each other,” so I’m open to suggestions here.
Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill
Do it with mashed potatoes, then play keyboard for the aliens… I think my cough medicine expired
“The following program is intended for mature audiences only”
Me: *leaves room
I ordered botox instead of a bowflex and you can’t tell but I’m mad
Standing by the stove, eating scrambled eggs out of the frying pan with a spatula, but in a sexy way.
You can’t embarrass me. My parents practiced disco dancing in our living room while my friends were over.
Am I smarter than a 5th grader?
…No. Probably not.BUT, am I funnier than a 5th grader?
…Also no.BUT, BUT could I win in an arm wrestling match against a 5th grader?
…I don’t wanna play this game anymore.
“I don’t care about ‘marketing’. It’s the family name so that’s what we’re calling it.”
If you’re driving a getaway car just remember the best way to lose the cops is to ship them via the post office
Time zones shouldn’t be based on geography, they should be based on age. For example, you may think it’s only 10:30, but for a 40yo, it’s actually two in the morning.
Just remember, you’re my “plus one,” and not my “hostage.”
Me: when I grow up, I want to be an astronaut
Dad: to find all the undiscovered wonders of the universe?
Me (thinking about the many breeds of space dog I haven’t pet): yes, exactly
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
Welcome to your 40s. You ask your spouse for the name of the next street because you can’t read the sign yet, but they can’t read it either. For the next several minutes you’re engaged in a heated competition to see whose eyesight is worse.
I decided not to put my clocks back so from hence forth I shall be on time for everything.
A chameleon and a ninja walk into a bar.
Neither one can get the bartender’s attention.
Magneto: Curses! How did you find my secret lair? Telepathy? Satellites?
Wolverine: every compass in town is pointing at you, bro, how do you not know this
People are ruining the word Daddy, my kids are going to have to call me ‘homie’ or some shit.
If u luv sumthin set it free
*releases 2yr old into the wild*
Good luck son
*sobbing*
STOP FOLLOWING ME! GO ON,GET OUT OF HERE
*throws rocks
I took off my shirt when I got home and my wife put her eclipse glasses back on.
Was Earth Day something that happened by accident or did somebody planet?
If anyone ever saw me trying to zip up my jacket I’m pretty sure they’d make me repeat third grade.
dough: a bread, an uncooked bread
ray: of sun that cooks the bread
me: a gal who eats the bread
fa: ther also eats the bread
so: da bread’s a kind of bread
la: vash is another bread
tea: a drink. anyway, bread!
that will bring us back to dough
I don’t need armpits that smell like fruit salad or “sexy intrigue”. I exude that naturally.
The fruit salad smell. Not the sexy intrigue.
me: [performing autopsy] so I’ve been practicing my ventriloquism
assistant: now’s not the time
corpse: aw come on
And to think on this day, one year ago, you were about to learn how precious toilet paper really is
Your brain needs exercise just as much as your body does
That’s why I think of running everyday
Me: *places a hold on a book in the Libby app*
Libby app: There’s a 36 week wait on this book.
Me: *starts another book while I wait*
*two hours later*
Libby app: Your hold is ready.