I say, “know what I mean?” A lot for someone who doesn’t even know what I mean.
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Nephew: Were the scorpions around when there were dinosaurs?
Me: You mean like the band?
Him: Hey girl, what that mouth do?
Me: Mostly complain. Sometimes binge eat. I also get these weird sores that – wait, where are you going?
If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader then she would be known as Ella Vader…….
Sharing a streaming account with someone who doesn’t have their own profile is like gaslighting yourself.
“I don’t remember watching this”
SS: Yes you did. See right here? That’s where you stopped watching.
“You sure? I really don’t remember watching this”
I haven’t said a single truthful thing on here since I became the King of Sweden.
Me, at the edge of a cliff: HEEEEEEELP
My therapist:” EnjOy the mOment”
Introverts need extroverts to push them out of their comfort zones, and extroverts need introverts to post bail.
Remove dead skin by hurling yourself into an active volcano.
[working at prison coffee shop]
I walk up to the biggest guy in there & punch his loyalty card bc repeat customers are crucial to business
I don’t know why hair extensions are exclusive to women, I want to look like a centaur
Trying to break up with an optician, but every time I say I can’t see you anymore, she moves an inch closer and says “how about now?”
“It’s the holidays”
*eats a pizza*“It’s the holidays”
*eats 3 cheeseburgers*“It’s the holidays”
*eats my food, your food & a small baby*
My new husband and me are already winning thru compromise. I accept he’ll never pick up all his socks and he allows the occasional hit and run homicide. Patience & 💛.
[china shop]
Bull: *walks in*
Shopkeeper: oh no
Bull: I’d like to speak to your manager
Shopkeeper: OH NO
“I am doing well.” – Russian man having sex with a well
Don’t eat yellow snow. Red snow, on the other hand, is debatable. Could be horrible, could be cherry.
*changes entire paper to past tense to try to increase the page count*
If someone specifies that you’re book-smart and not street-smart or street-smart but not book-smart, they’re calling you stupid.
[commercial]
“This commercial is so confusing. I wish they would just tell us what they’re selling”
narrator: Narrators
What is a Sherpa?
“Let me summit up for you.”
A secretary walks into her boss’s office and says, “Can I use your Dictaphone?”
He says, “No, dial with your finger like everyone else.”
I like my coffee like my men…not in my colon…
You reach a certain age and you don’t look pensive anymore, you look like you need an ambulance
Craving that feeling of immediate regret? Invite someone to your house. Works for me
[1st day at the office]
boss: this is janice, she loves playing hide and seekme: nice to meet you
voice from behind the photocopier: you too
Have kids close in age so they can be friends and so you don’t sleep for 7 years.
And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.
Karen mislaid her phone and called a cafe we were at this morning to see if she’d maybe left it there.
Conversation on the other end of the line:
Person a: Have we had a phone handed in?
Person b: What, a mobile?No mate, a landline 🙄
#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.
Guy in the dressing room next to mine: “I don’t want to get blood on these pants.” I want to reply, “Then stay out of my way on the catwalk”