son: daddy, do you believe in the Boogie Man?
me: I used to, but not anymore
[from under the bed]: I forgot to pick you up from the airport ONE TIME!
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There are risks you take when camping: severe weather, wild animals, someone bringing an acoustic guitar
Them: dating isn’t hard you just gotta put yourself out there
Me: ok got it
I’m at the “my 7 yr old gave himself a hickey on his arm” part of the parenting journey.
Hashtag blessed.
I see dead people.
Well technically they’re stupid people, but give me a few minutes.
My relationship advice?
Play Chess instead.
It’s less complicated.
I think I accidentally became a nun:
✅ not banging
✅ may have inadvertently taken a vow of poverty
✅ loves long dresses
✅ has a lot of habits
Cats always have an expression like they ordered 2 of everything on Amazon with your credit card while you were at work.
I hit my daily fruit intake yesterday by eating all the fruit garnishments in and on my drinks
[job interview]
“Tell me a strength.”
I’m a decision maker.
“Excellent. How about a weakness?”
I’m a bad decision maker.
[tour of zoo]
kid: “i think its a elephant”
me: “are you giving the tour”
kid:
me: “anyway as i was saying this is the big snake face thing”
Most of my Biology exams were Bio D Gradeable.
I’ll let myself out.
the guy who invented predictive text died yesterday
his funfair is next Friday
Sometimes at the beach it’s like “gross, is that a condom?” Yes. And it’s staying on. Not looking to raise any shark children.
I kept getting my shin badly grazed by the pedal of my bike when I was was a kid, that was one vicious cycle.
If like me you’ve ever been accused of being born in a barn and want to chat about it, remember, my door is always open.
[First Date]
Her: Sorry, but your profile pic was misleading.
Oatmeal Raisin Cookie: I never *said* this was chocolate. You just *assumed*
I traveled over 500 miles to go home and one of first things my mom says is “you need a haircut”
An egg with 28 followers says I’m not funny. So if you need me, I’ll just be in the kitchen making an omelette.
Me: “Sorry I’m late. Car trouble.”
Him: “What kind of car trouble?”
Me: “It doesn’t go 200 miles an hour to compensate for my late start.”
Me: I know panty hose are a little dated but I love how they even out my skin tone
Bank Teller: So is this not a robbery?
Me: No, It is
That’s me at the corner, that’s me at the stoplight choosing no collision
-Michael Stipe selling auto insurance
Why would you waste money on a service that carries Game of Thrones when you could just absorb the plot of each episode as hundreds of furious live-tweets. I have been consuming the show in this fashion for at least four seasons, as a whale consumes krill.
Got kicked out of the gym for setting off the smoke alarm while running in my corduroy shorts.
[Thanksgiving 2020]
Me *crying*: I’m fine, just chopping onions
Him: that’s a carrot
How many calories does an audible sigh burn? Because I don’t think my Apple Watch is giving me credit for them.
I just sneezed with a cat on my lap and I’m going to need someone to send help I’m losing a lot of blood.
Me: the only way to kill a zombie is to behead it
Cop [closing cuffs]: none of those people were zombies
Me: and they never will be!
The cool thing about being broke is you can tell your friends you aren’t drinking for a while & they think you’re getting your shit together
this husky was supposed to learn how to swim, but discovered that she could just float instead
(jukin media)
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.