bank collapse? no worries here, all my money is tied up in the groceries i bought this weekend
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“You can’t come in here with a dog.”
“I’m blind. It’s my seeing eye dog.”
“No way. They don’t breed Chihuahua service dogs.”
“They gave me a Chihuahua?”
It wasn’t a crisis until my mother heard about it.
Wife: What in the hell are you eating?!?!
Me: Soup
W: That’s Queso dip!!
M: Cheese soup
The room quiets as you pick up a pen. You are left-handed and perhaps the first one they’ve ever seen in the wild.
My therapist said that I needed to find healthier ways of expressing my anger.
So I decided to jog home after setting fire to my ex’s car.
I broke my finger yesterday. On the other hand, I’m okay.
My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven’t even seen me in bed yet.
dollar store pregnancy test instructions say to pee on the stick then wait 9 months
No thanks, Trix cereal. I have enough drama in my life without a rabbit trying to steal my breakfast.
Never forget.
The closest I am getting to a tropical vacation is a coconut scented shampoo…
Javascript is when your doctor writes you a prescription for more coffee. Everyone knows that.
My kids in public are direct payback for every time I shriek’d
PLEASE DON’T HIT ME AGAIN at my mom in the middle of a crowded mall as a kid.
I just saw a sign that said “if you can plan for a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and in my mind those two things are the same things
Regaling my son with tales of yore about the formality of landline phones and how, when the caller asked to speak to you by name, you’d have to say “This is she” or people would think you were raised by alley cats
Starting my own social media site called Chaos Realm which is just a Google doc that anyone can edit
ARTHUR: Knights, I have a dangerous mission for you.
SIR LANCELOT: I shall go.
SIR GALAHAD: We all shall go.
SIR VEY: Okay, actually, just—quick poll—who else does NOT want to go?
DATE: do you want kids?
ME [looking around]: *whispers* i mean i guess so, did you bring some?
I wish choosing a career was as easy as it is in books. Just some big dingus giant kicking down my door like “YER A PASTRY CHEF, HARRY!”
Perfect
Unchained Melody, but I have no idea how she got loose.
I’m no longer allowed to keep my car window open at stop lights because of my genius for accurately describing pedestrians.
The masseuse asked if I wanted her to finish me, I said yes & then she ripped my spine out & said “Flawless Victory!”
“Uh, Mom?” said my 6 year old. “Look at your child.”
So I looked, and there, sitting cross-legged in a miniature lawn chair, was my 2 year old drinking A1 sauce straight out of the bottle.
*at store*
Random guy: Do you have the time?
Me: 6:30.
Random guy: Thanks. I lost my watch and I have no idea where I put the dang —
Me: Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. We’re done here.
doctor: do you have a name picked out?
me: yah it’s St-
wife: we are not naming our daughter starscream
One of the cool things they don’t tell you about your thirties is you can hurt your neck by turning to look at something, which is wild because that is neck’s main job.
55 burgers 55 fries 55 tacos 55 fries 55 cokes 100 tater tots 100 pizzas 100 tenders 100 meatballs 100 coffees 55 wings 55 shakes 55 pancakes 55 pastas 55 peppers and 155 taters
Home Alone 2? Shame on you. Home Alone 3? Shame on me.
My daughter forgot her gym uniform at home. When I arrived at her school to drop it off, I realized I also forgot the uniform.
I see where she gets it from.