Back in my day we didn’t wear helmets while riding our bikes. We just laid there unconscious until someone came and got us for dinner
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If you’re not part of the solution, you must be on Twitter
Eric Clapton *fumbling with a gun*
Sheriff: I’ve a bad feeling about this
Deputy: I’m surprisingly calm
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 mins
Everyone is freaking out because I brought my own gavel to court, no one knows if I’m allowed to do this, the judge is crying
“NEVER MIND, WE GOT ONE.”
What do we want?
“A TIME MACHINE.”
When do we want it?
After living in terror for 27 years, Gloria Estefan’s threat is realized; I open my car door, and am brutally attacked by the rhythm.
Husband: Uses one pillow for his pillow wall.
Me: Adds 4 pillows, 12 bricks and 5 feet of 15.5 gauge barbed wire.
I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.
Ain’t gonna lie. Growing up, I thought Bermuda triangle is gonna be a bigger problem than it turned out to be.
[Throwing change in a well]
Me: I wish you well.
Well: I already am a well.
I began speaking English with a French intonation after a fender bender. Well, I guess accents will happen.
SOUND GUY: [taps microphone] this is a test, testing, testing…1, 2, 3..
MICROPHONE: [sweatig profusley] OH GOD, UH. FOUR?!! FOUR, IS IT FOUR
I have nothing in common with people who answer “how are you”, with “can’t complain.”
1980s : average parent ; 4 kids
2016: average kid ; 4 parents
Probably the sport I’m best at is screaming.
Who knew 20yrs after Debate class I’d apply those skills to present arguments to 7yo on why pasta shapes don’t change the taste of pasta.
Smiles from ear to ear.
Wife: what are you smiling about?
Our dog just took a giant dump in our neighbors yard
Wife: God I love that dog.
I’m sorry I showed you snaps from my colonoscopy after you made me look at your ultrasound. I thought we were sharing pics of our innards.
A fun way to “Break up” is to tell them to “Go long” and then never throw them the football.
6yo: I got dressed, took my vitamins and got my cereal.
Me: My baby is all grown up, she doesn’t need me anymore! [Sobbing]
6yo: Ummmm well I still can’t spell supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!
Me: ᴺᵉᶦᵗʰᵉʳ ᶜᵃⁿ ᴵ [sobbing]
Crap, I hate good-bye kisses. I think that I may have used too much tongue with my mother-in-law.
Studies suggests, 9 out of 10 men prefer a girl
with a big butt. The 10th man prefers the other 9
men.
*at swingers club*
me: so how does this work? do we both go at the same time or do I push you first?
@KrangTNelson @funTweeters I am not a millennial, I am straight out the the 70’s and I make up new words to suite myself. Like you don’t get a spoonful of mashed potatoes you get a thwack of mashed potatoes because that is the sound it makes when they hit your plate thwack.
Maybe Jesus doesn’t want lettuce to adore Him.
Don’t buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
When l feel sick in public, l get closer to the people who annoy me. If I have to vomit, I want to make it count.