CW: What’s for lunch; smells good!
Me: Well I made lasagna last night but lost a fingernail in it & haven’t found it yet.
CW:
Me: *smirks*
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[assembling baby’s cot]
Wife: take that bit off
Me [reluctantly removing the machine gun turret]: so anyone can just walk in here then
What do you call a moose with no name?
Anonymoose.
Only parents of toddlers know the anxiety of finding a sharpie lid on the floor.
If Dean is Dean then why is Sean Shawn?
At my funeral, I want them to play “Thriller” and have someone that looks like me climb out of a casket, dancing.
(wins at death)
if you really want to capture her heart this Valentine’s Day sculpt her likeness in ham, the most sensual of the smoked meats
If a performance is exceptionally bad, I throw potatoes. They’ll remember next time.
date: what’s your dream job?
me: designing food stats for RPGs
date: umm ok… *sips water*
me: [under breath] -2 thirst
My son LOVES dogs and is TERRIFIED of them. Which is EXACTLY how I feel about my WIFE.
SPONSORED POST: Tide Pods. Remember when we seemed like a big problem?
Marry the person who looks at you the way a Labrador looks at a tennis ball…obsessed, slightly crazed and probably drooling a little.
I’m gonna date the first guy to come out of this “Free STD Screenings!” van.
#goodplan
Parents don’t have “favorites.” We dislike all of our children equally.
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
*first day as a lawyer*
Bailiff: All rise for the judge.
Me: *too lazy* Objection.
@XplodingUnicorn LOOK WHAT ARRIVED TODAY!!! SO EXCITED!!! *Dances in place*.. 😊💃
A good woman is like home WiFi: Full of knowledge. Always there for you. Used by your roommate WHEN YOU’RE NOT THERE THAT’S RIGHT AMY I KNOW
We need to overthrow that Tyrannosaurus Rex and democratically elect a Presidentosaurus Rex
Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you’re murdered your chalk outline won’t just be the same old boring shit.
good morning to everyone except the people who make TV shows that include critical dialogue being messaged between characters which is nearly impossible for the viewers to read
My parents were very inspirational, they used to say:
“You can do whatever you want in life, as long as you don’t do it here.”
If you pretend you’re skimming you can straight up throw rocks at people.
Him: “I feel-”
Me: “I FEEL IT TOO. IT’S JUST LIKE PHOEBE SAID. YOU’RE MY LOBSTER.”
Him: “-gassy.”
I need a treadmill with a reward system.
Run 10k, here’s a pizza.
No amount of college can prepare you for how angry you’ll get at the way people park in the real word.
Email I meant to send – “I will touch base with you next week” vs the email I sent – “I will touch you next week”
HR reminds us to proof read before sending
Captain: Did you break the sonar again?
Me: Yessir. I’m sorry
Captain: This is why we can’t have nice pings
People who say, “Make it rain” about anything other than weather are the people who reply to spam emails about sexy singles in their area.
My 5yo didn’t wanna get in the bath last night so I told her it was filled with birthday water and this was her only chance to experience it until her next bday and I’ve never seen her get in the bath faster. Now if you don’t mind, I’m gonna ride this parenting high for a bit.
wow my top song this year was my upset tummy sounding like a car driving on gravel