Protip: If you’re bad at geography and someone asks about an obscure country just say “isn’t that where the oiled up Olympics guy is from?”
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My wife spent two weeks deciding what color to paint the bathroom. I got a cat on my 9th birthday and named it Cat.
CW: The boss said she wanted to see you.
Me: That’s flattering, but I don’t date people from work.
Doctor: We need you to spit in this cup.
Me, making unbroken eye contact: Ptooey.
inheritance is a dumb system people should have to give their estate to whoever defeats them in battle like the santa clause
Just bought a new umbrella for the person that finds it tomorrow.
I remember when I could put my shoes on standing up and had that one legged balancing act perfected. It was one Saturday back in 1994, but I remember it.
One day I plan on walking into a bar on a foggy night in some small town I’ve never been to before and say “Large Marge sent me.”
Sorry I ate all your cake after you passed out and then drew your angry eyebrows on so you’d be ready to discuss it when you woke up.
If the horse track doesn’t open back up soon, I’m gonna lose the only math I remember.
Signed, sealed, delivered.
Me: Wrong address.
I don’t claim to understand the science behind it, but I can absolutely state with one hundred percent certainty that I am playing a key role in the ongoing survival of the human race by making sure that each and every morning, without fail, I put my left shoe on before my right.
Engineers: “okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it”
Me: spreads bacon grease on my toast
Also me: how did I gain weight this week?
Become a minion. Get that bread.
I am not a pro at mind games, so I will be direct and ask, “are you or are you not going to offer me snacks?”
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
DATING TIP: Be a gentleman. Hold her door. Hold her hand. Hold her purse. Hold her for ransom. Demand a chopper. Fly away. Start a new life.
I buy my shoes three sizes too big so if I run into a clown posse I’ll have automatic street cred.
Son: Mom, why are you always showing up at my school on chicken nugget day?
Me: *literally salivating* Here to see you, buddy.
Me: Ugh! I never know what to say in these situations…
Friend: You say ‘good morning’ back
“p” in my name stands for patience and that’s why it’s not there
I drink because I care. About me. And drinks.
Letting my son turn the pages when we read together so he’s more engaged with the story and also because sometimes he accidentally skips pages.
I conduct all my high level anti-robot meetings in a hot tub. A precaution to make sure no one is a secret robot. They are poorly attended.
I’m just a lawyer, standing in front of a Judge, trying to make him understand that stopping for coffee was a necessity and I should not be held in contempt for being late.
[heaven]
IAN: I only regret the things I didn’t do
ME: Me too
I: Like, I didn’t swim with dolphins. You?
M: I didn’t stop poking a bear
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
I have the patience of a nearly ripe avocado
Things that are terrifying:
A snake on my hike
Clowns
My 3yo saying: ‘member your dark red lipstick that I like to draw with?