I’ve been walking around with a fish-eating grin ever since I got an emotional support piranha.
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[at a party]
Friend: let’s play this game that most of us know
Me: idk how to play, can 7 of you yell the different rules at me all at once?
I think whoever invented horseradish knew exactly what those two things tasted like together
Marriage is like when you were a kid on Easter and saw this HUGE chocolate bunny in your basket.
But it was hollow. And white chocolate.
Stranger man at the beach asked me, “Y’all got a boat?” I said we have three, but they’re old Fisher-Price models.
It took him a moment.
You give me something. It’s mainly indigestion and the creeps but that’s something.
Why is it called drunk texting and not ex-communicated?
Fun bible fact: No records exist of Jesus’ life from age 12 to 30 because he was backpacking across Europe with his pet Pterodactyl
I wanted to join a street gang when I was a teenager but I failed the dancing audition.
On our way back from hotel pool, door card doesn’t work. Francophone BF heads to reception to get new card and returns.
Him: Wow, there was a huge line up at reception but when I told them I had a wet girlfriend waiting at the door they all let me in..
‘I want to see other families.’
~Me, saying grace at Thanksgiving
It should be illegal for your legs to go numb while you’re pooping like what does my body want from me this is harassment and bullying
ants can carry up to 5000 times their body weight?? pfft. watch this- *goes to stomp an ant but it grabs me & slams me thru a picnic table*
When I sprayed my foot with tinactin my 6yo asked what it was for and I told him athletes foot then he said “but daddy you’re not an athlete” and I am so sad that he’ll never understand how sick the burn was that he delivered.
I never knew so many people named their kids after numbers until Twitter
Group- “Can believe Jesus just turned water into wine?!”
Me- *cutting up lines of table salt* “hey um, Jesus… soo can you do me a favor?”
ME: You have a bigger piece of avocado.
HUSBAND: No, but you can take mine.
ME: Yes you do, but I’m fine.
HUSBAND: Are you sure?
ME: Yes.
HUSBAND: *almost takes a bite*
ME: (sighs)
HUSBAND: Seriously, do you want this?
ME: I said I’m fine. Eat your giant avocado.
The Professor Banned Laptops In Class. Too Bad College Kids Are Petty!😂😭😭
Sometimes I think my toddlers are smart
Other times they throw tantrums because they get their fingers stuck
In their other hand
my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me
Some patients are going to die, & you have to learn to accept that. It’s just part of being an extremely bad chiropractor.
Meghan Markle: breathes
Press: Meghan Markle wages war on global oxygen supply by hoarding depleting resources within her lungs.
Just found a hilarious message in a bottle on the beach. I decided it needed to be RT’d, so I threw it back in.
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what good parents do.
People often ask me how I afford to live a lavish lifestyle while spending most of my day on Twitter. Here are a few tips.
1. Wake up early every morning
2. Build a work routine
3. Learn to delegate responsibility
4. Inherit a lot of money from parents
5. Sleep at time
Did you know cats are called cats because they’re roughly half the size of cattle?
[getting kidnapped]
me: you deserve better
Alarm clock that releases spiders… NOW you’re up. Million dollar idea.
Nevada be like, omg I think I like him… so how many days should I wait before I call him? Is it 3 days? Cause I think it’s 3 days.
Give a man a fish, he eats today.
Teach a man to fish, he gets drunk in a boat.