My parents and teachers said I could be anything I wanted but I’m 28 now and I’m still not a hot Asian girl named Bang Bang 馃檨
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Me when the batteries in my tv remote die: I must replace you instantly
Me when the batteries in my smoke alarm die: how do I disable this useless piece of shit
“Let there be one more blade!”-Gillette marketing concepts.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You love me?
Cop:
Me:
Cop:
Me: Is it because I’m driving a lawnmower?
Cop: Yes.
Me: *floors it*
picnics are a great way to think you’re hanging out with friends but actually you’re sitting on something wet
“You think I’m smart, right?”
Not tonight baby, I’m too tired to fight.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
I’m too old to still be “getting too old for this.” I’ve arrived.
Telling a woman to get back in the kitchen is a weird insult to lob on Twitter. We can still tweet from kitchens. We have wifi & data plans.
Don’t scream. I came to your house because you never responded to my DMs. Are you OK?
barbecue implies the existence of a carolecue and possibly a debecue
Pay your exorcist or you may get repossessed.
Newborns cry because they’re being evicted
Dating – Every Kiss begins with Kay.
Marriage – Every conversation ends with K.
my immune system told me it鈥檚 a lover not a fighter
Well I’m not really sure why you put “Baby: Ages 0-6” on your resume, but more importantly, why were you a baby for so long
[getting ready for church]
Me: If you don’t hurry up and get dressed, we’re leaving you behind.
6-year-old: Okay.
Me: If you don’t hurry up, you have to go to church twice.
6: *gets dressed in record time*
My lucky number is 17 so I’m really hoping that 2017 is finally going to be my year. Otherwise, I’ll have to change my lucky number again.
Spoiler alert: The fairytale ends with the prince at work, 3 whiney kids, and you are cinderella AND the wicked witch.
God: I made something new. It’s like a tornado, but smaller.
Angel: What do you call it?
God: A toddler.
I made my will yesterday and had to make my lawyer the beneficiary because my estate will just about cover his bill
Doctor: Did you take those pills I gave you last month?
Me: The package said “Take on an empty stomach” so, not yet.
If you don鈥檛 know what stage your relationship is in, I鈥檇 recommend not sitting in the front row of a comedy show
so you鈥檙e saying i have to put these balls in my closet or moths will eat my sweaters? listen to yourself. you sound insane
[two female cops come to arrest me but I am hiding in the men’s bathroom]
Haha
“What do we do?”
Me: Do you have any books on paranoia?
Librarian : They’re right behind you.
Salesgirl: [handing me makeup samples] here are the freebies we promised you!
Me: [wearing my brand-new beekeeper鈥檚 suit] …oh
We were so high at the movies that I tried find my seatbelt and my friend helped me look for it.
Alien: We come in peace
Human: Aw man, we hate that
My 4yr old keeps handing me toy dinosaurs and asking what kind they are and I have no clue… so I’ve been making up names.
Oh buddy that’s a plethosaurus.
That one’s a legiosaurus.
That’s a longneckasaurus.
Oh yes and this is the elusive bigbuttosaurus.
Turns out when you’re asked who your favourite child is you’re expected to pick from your own.