ME: Sorry we’re late. My daughter couldn’t find her pet spatula.
DAUGHTER: Chad.
ME: Yes. Chad the Spatula.
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I’m 37 and from the Midwest, every man I know is named Matthew, I’m going to need you to be more specific.
-Me when my mom say she saw Matthew today.
“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.”
“You’ve tried all of them on?”
“This one.”
Get your employees to work harder by “accidentally” leaving articles on the printer about reducing staff.
[accidentally makes eye contact with someone] Oh my God, I am so sorry. Are you OK?
when you kill a mosquito someone else’s blood is probably on your hands.
[movie]
*guy hugs woman from behind while she cuts vegetables*
wife: Awwme*does same thing*
wife:ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE ME LOSE A FINGER?!
I’m not fat. Just retaining cookies.
Me: *being pulled from my smashed car by paramedics & put on a stretcher*
My mom: WAIT! *running up to the ambulance, out of breath* this never would’ve happened if you drank more water
It’s been a terrible year for burglars
there are differences between normal surfing and crowd surfing for example when you crowd surf people get upset if you pee
SPIDER-MAN: hold it right there, Chameleon
CHAMELEON: how’d u know it was me??
SM: ur disguised as Peter Parker
C: so?
SM: *starts sweating*
Rat warning in Hong Kong is the best rat warning of all time.
Judas is buying everyone shots.
Seems to have a bit more cash than normal…..
Good for him
Lost your keys?
Why not try looking in the same two places 16 times whilst getting increasingly angrier
I have a confession…
I don’t like Oreos.
And it feels so great getting that off my chest!
*blocked by all of Twitter*
Not sure who’s a bigger idiot at this jury duty.
The guy who committed [redacted] or the moron next to me who put a 6 2x in a row of sudoku.
Have you ever met someone that was like the human form of slow WiFi?
I always thought that “same sex” marriage was what straight couples suffered from.
Unexplainable things:
1) Stonehenge
2) ESP
3) How my car insurance company can magically lower my renewal cost when I threaten to leave them
snack time! which shapeless, wiggly treat would you rather?
Fun idea! Complimentary deodorant with each transit fare purchase.
Jeopardy is petty. If you asked someone “What is snow?” No one would say: It’s doubtful an Eskimo would have Chionophobia, a fear of this.
Him: No more coffee for you.
Me: “Why? I’m fine,” I say while detailing the neighbor’s car.
Remember in the boardgame Life when you had kids and collected money? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
what i mean when i say i’m rolling myself a fat one
“i wouldnt be caught dead” someone throws a net over my dead corpse “gotcha!!” “noooo”
“So You’ve Been Drinking and You Think You Can Dance?”
That is definitely a reality show I would watch.
In an attempt to be a fun summer mom (I don’t think it’s working), I bought the kids kits for sewing their own stuffies. My son is (I am) sewing a penguin. My daughter is (I am) sewing a llama. Everything is going well (it’s a hot mess and we never want to sew again).
No thank you, gym membership. The only thing worse than riding a bike is riding a bike that goes nowhere.
Interviewer: how did you write that song?
Singer: well, I had an epiphany…
Me, brilliant musician: couldn’t afford a Gibson, eh?