If you send me game requests on Facebook I’ll visit an adult bookstore and tag you as being with me.
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My son just told me everyone wishes they had a mother like me and I don’t know if I should hug him or ask him what the hell he did wrong.
When someone says “Idaho”, I still respond by saying “Udaho!” and I will never stop.
You know how when you’re in sixth grade and you love someone you express it by being mean and throwing rocks at them? That’s Me. I love you.
When I’m drinking I wake up after a party, sore, going “what stupid things did I say?” When I’m not drinking I wake up after a party, sore, knowing exactly what stupid things I said.
Im gonna tell my daughter to lay off the liquor, cause I love her! (…and I dont want her to mess up her kidneys before I need one)
I made a grown man cry today in court.
But yet I can’t get my kids to clean their damn rooms.
I would move hell over six inches for you
Yes I am 45, male and love cats. Recently I posted a selfie. It could be worse though, right? Hello?
The circus serves as a great analogy for marriage. You’re either walking the tightrope or holding a chair because you told her to calm down.
[First Day As A Director]
Me: [forgot how to end a scene] *tackles the cameraman*
Can’t you just live in the moment, Phil? Every time we kill a bison or light a fire you have to draw it in a cave with your fancy stick.
it’s “wake up little susie” because no one wanted to mess with big susie
Laxatives help you live up to your full pooptential.
Saw a teen couple buying condoms in the pharmacy so I let my grandbaby run around their feet & whispered ‘that’s the brand my daughter used’
me: want to help me save the bees this weekend?
her: sure!
[later]
her: uhhh, this isn’t what i thought it would be
me: *pauses reading the bible to a beehive* what do you mean
My “Not involved in human trafficking” T-shirt has people asking a lot of questions already answered by my shirt.
brent use the shallow end
why
you’re not a strong swimmer
I am so *jumps*
[doesnt surface because I have $1.75 worth of change in my pocket]
wife: Don’t be an idiot
me: IT’S NOT A CHOICE, SARAH
I grew up during the time when every home had a sewing machine but no one knew how to use it or where it came from.
Kraken: “I like to renew my tenancy.”
Landlord: “Re-lease the Kraken!”
#KrakenDay #RubbishDay
I love how Presidents will pardon a turkey and then eat a different turkey.
Looking to join a group where every once in awhile somebody screams “fan out!” and we all do.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Meet me in bed
To learn something newPfff….poetry is easy
If you don’t know what to say, people absolutely love talking about potatoes
Always be yourself. Unless you can be Batman.. Then be Batman.
Don’t give up on your dreams, if cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want
Tried a new approach to filing taxes this year.
As always, Wile E. Coyote’s plan had unexpected consequences.
COWORKER: donuts in the break room want me to grab you one?
ME: no thanks i’m on a diet
CW: are you sur-
M: OK BUT I’LL JUST HAVE THREE