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HONEY QUICK COME HERE THERE’S A COMMERCIAL ABOUT MENOPAUSE
This elevator skit is so incredibly simple
And I think that’s what makes it perfect.
[Biologists naming Eels]
b1: ocean sneks
b2: bitey noodles?
b3: what do the dolphins call them again?
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
Him: There’s something special about you.
Me: Some people tell me I smell like stinky cheese.
*His eyes glaze over* I love stinky cheese.
ME: [shouting upstairs] dinner’s ready!
6YR OLD: what are we having?
ME: you’ll like it! trust me!
6: I ain’t falling for that shit again
Sometimes marriage is about love & compromise other times it’s about letting the garbage get so full & seeing who will cave first.
I don’t bully strangers on the internet because I’m too busy making fun of the people I know irl
*cashier stares at obviously fake ID*
you sure you’re 3?
*dog panics and runs out of the store barking*
lost my job at Red Lobster for saying crabsolutely too much
Therapist: don’t take things personally
Me: [literally a conscious being that experiences life from a first-person perspective] ok I’ll try
Why does the bad guy always have to know some form of martial art? Why cant they just throw stuff while screaming “stay away from me!”
🎶 Never gonna get you out
Never gonna heat you up
Never gonna remember I wanted to eat you-me, putting leftovers away in the fridge
Mom: Do you have any idea how painful it was to carry you in my womb for 9 months?
Me: If the last time I hurt you was 37 years ago, I’d say you’re winning in this relationship.
Listen jogger, I’m eating fast food alone in my car, the last thing I need is eye contact.
Him: I got in a fender bender, coming out of the grocery store.
Me: Everything’s intact?
Him: I’m fi…
Me: Chips, cookies, stuff like that?
*puts sriracha on a kangaroo*
HOT POCKET
Every time I see a person handing out flyers it blows my mind that some people actually get paid to distribute garbage to strangers.
(my first day as a transformer)
optimus prime: Transformers, roll out!
Me:*transforms into hotdog cart* CAN I GET A PUSH HERE
*gives you dictionary for your birthday*
wow.. i don’t know what to say
“that’s why i bought it for you”
Will I ever see the word “antipasta” on a menu and not think on dumb reflex “wow, pasta’s nemesis”
The kids were being so annoying at bedtime last night, I threatened to take them back in time and put them to bed early.
Women: The best part of my day, is taking off my bra.
Men: Same.
I made a resolution to eat better and exercise in the new year but didn’t specify which year I was referring to.
🎵 Papa, just killed this toy
Stomped my foot against its head
Batteries fell out, now it’s dead Papa, playtime had just begun
But now I’ll go and throw tantrums all day…🎵-If “Bohemian Rhapsody” was remade to fit my toddler’s mood.
Karen: Are we ok?
Me: [removes earbud] Yes.
Karen: It’s just that you named a Spotify playlist “LET’S GET DIVORCED”
George Washington died in 1799. The first Dinosaur fossil was discovered in 1824. George Washington never even knew Jurassic Park existed.
Btw the funniest thing you can do is openly not recognize a biglaw name. In law school someone told me she’d been an assistant for Mayer Brown and I asked what city they were the mayor of. Her face was incredible.
therapist: would some music help you feel more centered?
me: no thanks, I’m self-centered
therapist: again, that’s why we’re here
Zordon: go find me some high schoolers
Assistant: but wouldn’t the Power Rangers be more powerful if they were adults?
Zordon: NO! *breathing heavily* and make them wear spandex