wife: (puts on her glasses) how do i look?
me: with… with your glasses.
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i used to store stuff in my bra bc i hated carrying a purse. this one time i was making out with a guy n he unhooked my bra and a bunch of shit clunked onto the floor. he stopped and was like “what is that?” and i was like “don’t worry about it” and he was like “is that a knife?”
If you get a big enough mask, no one can tell if you’re asleep at your desk
hi, how are you?
–yoda asking how high you are
Store clerk: May I help you?
Me: I hope so. Sweetie go get your math homework, this nice woman is going to help us.
Me in my 20s: SEVEN MORE SHOTS AND THEN TACO BELL!
Me in my 40s: I have moderate hip pain & I believe I may have swallowed some hair
At Christmas, it’s important to pause and remember all those who have wronged you this year and how you can wreak vengeance on them in 2017
Eggs Benedict implies the exsistence of Eggs Cumberbatch
Me at a wine tasting:
*swirls glass*
*sniffs*
*sips slowly*
*stares off into the distance*
…Ah, yes. This is in fact wine.
I sleep better naked, why cant the flight attendant understand that?
To see someone’s true savage nature, you must observe them eat crab legs at a buffet.
a lot of people are really funny but they’re not comedians and a lot of comedians are really funny but they’re not people
Mean while, back on Facebook, Jennifer is blaming the birth of her son for her being fat.
Her son is 6 ….
That awkward laugh when they’ve said something innocuous, but you’re thinking something incredibly dirty.
I just got a text from an ex telling me he wanted to “reach out.” This isn’t a work email buddy.
You can’t choose your family but you can choose a hitman.
[2050]
“Grandpa, how did President Trump ever get elected?”Well, we were a bit distracted. That was the year adult coloring books came out
So, when does this adulthood thing start then?
Autocorrect changed my condolence tweet from “your family is in my thoughts” to “your family is in my thighs” and now I’m blocked.
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: Sadly, this male’s efforts to prepare a nest for mating are all in vain
[me crying on top of a half-put on fitted sheet]
imagine a frog. good. now imagine a frog wearing a party hat and playin a lil tambourine. even better
The holidays are always tough on me….
One year for Christmas , I made a gingerbread house that wasn’t up to code & it collapsed on a tiny, little gingerbread family.
Still haunts me.
penguins mate for life, which is why you never see one smiling
2019: starts making risotto
2021: almost done but not quite
Nobody was healthier than my vegan, gluten-free friend Chad until the day that baby squirrel beat him to death.
Shit dude that SUCKS
-me as a 911 operator
Why did they call it Big Pharma and not The Pilluminati.
I’m stranded on a dessert island. Do not send help.
Pregnancy test commercials would be a lot more relatable if the women in them cursed and cried.
Every night it sounds like my neighbors take turns at running headfirst into their walls
The crack of dawn is probably just as good as the crack you get at midnight.