I have a horrific story to share. I sauteed broccoli for dinner with extended family. We were almost done. I was about to eat my last bite. And I saw a caterpillar. I went to the pan. More caterpillars. By then it was too late. So, I said nothing. I fed my family caterpillars 😭
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Batman Begins Crossdressing #AddAWordRuinAMovie
throwing someone under the bus sounds hard, let’s just sell ’em down the river and call it a day.
Saw a teen couple buying condoms in the pharmacy so I let my grandbaby run around their feet & whispered ‘that’s the brand my daughter used’
Why are the moths in this damn desert bigger than birds
them: your tweet is missing a word
me: it’s missing a bunch, do you have any idea how many words there are?
[funeral]
ok I need everyone over 70 to gather for the bouquet toss
Them: What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to say to someone?
Me: Probably… Saskatchewan
Them: …
Me: or Worcestershire
*panicking* 3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3
*turns TV off*
“THEY HAD CAMERAS EVERYWHERE BUT NOBODY SAW THE TOYS WALKING AROUND?!”– me every time I watch Toy Story 3
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This guy just died in my arms tonight.
911: How did he die?
Me: It must’ve been something I said.
Puts all the toys my kids forgot they had in their Easter basket
I’m convinced that people are now just getting married and having babies to have something to post on FB
My weight loss plan is going so disastrously I’m giving serious consideration to getting a cannibal involved.
Anyone know the difference between the Supreme and the Deluxe? This whore house menu is confusing
Me: *finds God*
God: “Okay your turn… 1… 2… 3…”
T-REX: listen up pal
AL: my name is al
PTERODACTYL: that’s what he said
I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.
I RECEIVED AN EMAIL ALERTING ME TO “HOLIDAY TREATS” IN THE OFFICE KITCHEN AND THERE ARE FOUR ORANGES AND SOME DRIED FIGS I’M SUING
Who needs a bull in a china shop when you have a 2-year-old contemplating Grandma’s figurine collection?
another car tip: once a month, open the hood and rip out one thing. most of the engine is decorative and weighs down your car
The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.
kidnapper: [on the phone] pay the ransom to get your son back
dad: oh god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: son listen money doesn’t grow on trees
[friend at his party] I think we’re just gonna keep spotify on for awhile
[me with a harmonica imprint in my pocket] cool my lips hurt anyway
When they spot a towel hanging neatly on a rack, teens consider it a personal challenge to rip it down, wad it up & leave it on the floor.
Had a dream Andrew Garfield & I were being chased & he started rubbing sand on my arm & I was like, “why?” And he was all, “it’ll help mate” but he was only rubbing one arm & then I woke up to my cat aggressively licking that arm cause he was hungry
[walking out of bathroom]
me: oh boy, do NOT go in there
*guy walks in anyway*
*comes out screaming*
me: ya it’s like super haunted
POLICE! OPEN UP, WE KNOW YOU’RE IN THERE. WELL, WE DON’T KNOW BUT WE’RE KINDA HOPING YOU ARE COS IT WAS A LONG DRIVE & JIM NEEDS TO PEE.
If you’re a twin you should have to tell people when you first meet them. By law. I have the right to know if there’s going to be more than one of you running around. What are you trying to pull?
I approach.
“Girl are you a couch? Cuz I’m gonna try & fail to pick you up.”
She laughs. “I’m Jen.”
My training hasn’t prepared me for this.
FUN FACT: next time you ask someone to pass a roll of toilet paper to you under a bathroom stall door gently grasp their hand and challenge them to a thumb war. They legally have to accept.