Well if you cant buy babys at Babys R Us what in the world do they sell?
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I requested the number 867-5309 from my cellular provider because I like being annoyed to the point of rage.
Me: I’m so lonely.
ChatGPT: *looking at virtual watch* wow look at the time I need to be somewhere.
[inventing oatmeal]
make sure it never comes out of the bowl once it dries
Welcome to your 40s: that was a good cookie here’s four pounds.
Doctor: does mental illness run in your family?
Me: I do have an aunt that’s a morning person.
I just read a story about someone finding a dead body at a Walmart. HOW EMBARRASING, I’d never be caught dead at a Walmart.
Got the c-4 you wanted for your gender reveal party.
Sure Italian food is expensive but I think it’s worth every penne
Honest job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I put a lot of effort into looking like I know what I’m doing”
Me: What are you excited to see at the aquarium?
2: Giraffes!
Me: There’s only water animals there
2: Cows!
Queen: Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: Not exactly ON the wall
King: I said I’d do it at the weekend. Get off my back, Sandra
well, that freaky sound coming from the basement was just the pipes going wonky
of course, I didn’t have a basement this morning, so that’s a whole different problem
I remember when asking someone if they were on X meant something completely different.
Watching movies with kids:
If he/she hasn’t seen it, eons and billions of questions.
If he/she has seen it, eons and billions of spoilers.
[hit & run crime scene]
me: judging from the treads, it looks like the perp deliberately swerved into the viccop: sir, you can keep referring to yourself in the 3rd person but we have you on tape leaving the scene AND returning
me: criminals, when will they ever learn amirite?
Me: Does the Nintendo Power Hotline still exist?
Cop: I suggest using your one phone call to contact a lawyer, sir.
me [pounding on my son’s locked bedroom door]: open up this instant! this is my house!
son: well actually you have a mortgage, so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me [to wife]: i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
“What’s the photo for again?”
“Just a freelance piece I’m writing”
“Ok great”
I have decided to switch to a spite-based diet
stopping the microwave at 0:01 is the closest I’ve come to being in a Michael Bay movie.
Wishing everyone who’s visiting their parents for Christmas a very water tastes wrong.
“Is this a date? This feels like a date” -blind guy at a farmers market
My son said he’d do something in a minute.
So far it’s been 185 days, 16 hours & 11 minutes but who’s counting.
someone told me “I couldn’t think of anyone I’d rather spend time with,” & my first thought was that they tried really hard to think of someone else but had to settle on me, so thanks low self esteem, u my only friend
Oh panic attacks,I thought you said pancake attacks because I have those all the time.
SOMEONE IS AT THEIR HOUSE!!!
– dogs
My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.
[movie studio in the 2010s]
“This script stars The Rock as-”
Studio: WE’LL MAKE IT
Best convo of the last 5 yrs:I explained to my son that his friend’s Mum had become a man: “You can do that?””Yes””Then I wanna be a dragon”
My IQ score says I’m intelligent. My dating history disagrees.