[Justice League HQ]
Batman: Hahaha *changes his HBO GO® password and doesn’t give the new one to The Flash*
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me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
Just got off the phone with my mom. She had a nice talk.
Dear movies,
We’ll never be upset to the point of throwing expensive jewelry at the bottom of the ocean. Never.Sincerely,
Women
Sounds about right. 😂🤣
Me: C’mon.
Dog: No.
Me: Let’s go.
Dog: No.
Me: Please?
Dog: YOU TRYING TO KILL ME?!?
Me: It’s just rain.
Dog: I already pooped in your shoe.
I’m at a point in my life where I admire the majestic full trees in my yard and marvel at the amount of leaves I’ll need to rake.
Time to go to the liquor store, I’m almost out of holiday spirit
My wife and I are in a fight so I just looked her right in the eyes and folded a towel in fourths.
I’m tired of being the strong one. I want to be a noodle.
If you want my kids to actually act thankful on Thanksgiving serve kraft mac n cheese, goldfish and apple
juice.
a cute boy moved in next door and his bedroom window is across from mine, I hope this doesn’t turn into a coming of age film.
Whenever you ride an elevator with other people, it’s best not to mention your imaginary friends even if someone is standing on Carl.
*Sat talking to a girl at a bar*
Brain: Compliment her perfume, nicely.
Me: I AM SMELLING YOU
Brain: Why do you hate me?
Her: Awww. Can I hold your baby?
Me: Of course. Here you go.[later]
Her: Can I see your phone?
Me: *eyes narrowed* Are you insane?
Person: Are you on the conference call?
Me: *watching dancing animals videos* Like, deep in my heart?
If you wondered if I was on the naughty list this year, I should probably tell you that the best gift I got was a packing peanut.
Every marriage has one person who throws things out, and a garbage-loving chaos goblin who says “But I was saving that!”
Found out recently that right-clicking on the send ‘arrow’ in Teams chat lets you schedule the message to be sent at a later time of your choosing. And yes I’m heavily abusing this feature.
Hey man be careful taking a nap. One of my buddies had a dream where he was getting chased around
condom commercials should just be a live-feed of couples trying to enjoy a decent meal at a restaurant with their kids
if you think electrolytes are good you should try the electroheavies
Her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride dolphins
Me: i’m taking a plane Linda
I believe we’re entering the ‘training for hell’ phase of summer.
Tim Cook announces iPhone charger cord to be long enough to reach a socket, Apple stock price quadruples.
“Welcome to the future. Let me show you around. Here’s the bathroom. This is a robot that we invented that screams at your wet hands.”
Blacksmith *shoes a horse*
Swordsmith *forges a blade*
Aerosmith *gives a groupie gonorrhea*
[Planning Rustic Vacation]
Me: Should we rent a cabin or a cottage?
Her: What’s the difference?
M: Well, cottages are usually home to witches who eat children; cabins usually contain partying teens who get murdered by a psychopath.
H: I meant in price.
Me: Who drank all my beer?
Wife: Who do you think? I’m pregnant and both kids are under the age of four.
Me: So is that a confession?