Cop: I have bad news. It’s your son. You need to come down to the mortuary
Mom: But…how?
Cop: Maybe get a cab?
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One minute she’s saying “put yourself in my shoes” and the next it’s all “well you’ve gone and ruined them now, you idiot”
I’m at my most ninja when slipping on my seat belt as a cop car pulls up beside me.
Me: I can save some money if I install this new dishwasher myself.
*4 hours of clanging, shoving and inventing new curse words*
Me: Sticks out a little, but seems to work
Wife: Now the drawer with the silverware is blocked
Me: WE’LL EAT WITH OUR HANDS!!
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me:
Teen: [returns to bedroom]
Me: [starts reorganizing baking pans]
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *sucking the jelly out of a doughnut with a straw and putting it back in the box so no one knows I did it*
Great!
meanwhile over on facebook
wife: listen you have to help me be accountable when it comes to eating better
me: no this is a trap i will not fall for anymore.
just saw the gorilla thing. what kind of thoughtless, negligent parent would raise their child in ohio
People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food
[superfriends lunch]
BATMAN: There’s an underwater nuclear threat
SUPERMAN: Aquaman, go!
AQUAMAN: [stares at watch] Gotta wait 30 minutes
Barbie gone wild
5: Can we go outside and play.
Me: I’m sorry but I don’t feel good. I’ve been throwing up.
5: Can’t you just throw up outside?
I’ve lost count of how many times in the past week I looked at my inbox and said, “How the hell did I get on this mailing list?” And “What could the CEO of Spanx possibly have to tell me about the coronavirus?”
If history has taught me anything, it’s that the person with the loudest, wettest cough will always sit down beside me in a waiting room.
[on an airplane]
Me: Is the pilot any good?
Flight attendant: One of the best
Me: [winks] How about the rest of the season?
[Calling a guy for the 1st time]
Him: Hello
Me: Helloooooo!!! *in Mrs. Doubtfire’s voice*
*panics, hangs up*
[creating the Octopus]
Angel: How about a spider in a wetsuit?
God: Weird but I like it. Make it edible.
I thought all the men at my gym were being exceptionally nice for a Monday morning but turns out my workout pants are just see-through.
[learning to ride a motorcycle]
INSTRUCTOR: Again I need to ask whoever it is making the “vroom vroom” sounds with their mouth to knock it off.
WAITER: how would you like your eggs
ME: nogged
What if a woman was Nunchucks?
– Inventor of Couples Figure Skating
It’s a day for learning unwanted facts.
[at the animal shelter]
Volunteer: This cat would do best going to a quiet home with no children.
Me: Can I go with her?
If really good-looking people are “eye candy” I guess that puts me somewhere around the “eye broccoli” category.
Wolves in sheep’s clothing. Wolves in human clothing. Wolves in short skirts and heels. Hot single wolves in your area.
[hiding in pantry from murderer]
[quietly tries to open bag of chips]
imagining an 18 year old X Æ A-12 trying to think of an online password but just using his name
They should put barf bags in all the voting booths this year.
A fun thing to do when someone shows you a picture of their new baby is to look confused and just say “I don’t get it?”