Still my favorite headline of all time:
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Your other foot. Nope. Still the other foot. You have two feet this isn’t hard. THE. OTHER. FOOT. OMG
-me watching a toddler put shoes on
me: am I awake or dreaming
a giant dragonfly, setting down his tea cup: honestly idk what this is
‘Drinking water successfully’ is out
‘Drinking water and letting it fall out the side of your mouth somehow and then down your chin and also to your shirt and oh god you’re sitting and the pants got hit too’ is in
Dragons aren’t evil; they’re just upset that they can’t enjoy Popsicles and other frozen treats.
My daughter bit off both ends of her chocolate bunny and is shouting through it like a megaphone, “Hello, is there anybunny in there?”
Friend (seeing my bookcases): Wow, have you read all of these books?
Me: Have you?
Friend: No.
Me: Then yes. Yes I have.
If you are going to make me scan my own groceries, give me an intercom too
“You’d better run, egg!”
Any sink has a garbage disposal if you push hard enough.
Him: *down on one knee*
Will you marry me?Me: Nah, I’m good, but…
(puts up hand up to high five) thanks for asking!
An app that tells you if there’s anyone at the grocery store you’ll have to make small talk with.
I’d throw you a flower, infact, I’d throw you an entire plant.
(First Day as an Interior Decorator)
ME: I’m not sure this giant cross is right for this space.
PRIEST: Again, this is a church.
If I don’t stop stress-eating, I will be the elephant in the room.
Retired bakers have nothing to prove.
[on the phone]
wife: My mom tripped over the dog
me: Is she ok?
wife: Yeah
me: Can I talk to her?
wife: Sure *calls for the dog*
My kid woke me up at 3AM to tell me there’s a monster in her bed and I just can’t wait to tell my wife what my kid called her.
sleep paralysis demon: why are there so many cups in this room???
[Watching the news]
This is all wrong, villains are supposed to be fictional characters.
Pro tip: if you absolutely must speak in court, do not put air quotes around “the law”. Judges don’t like it.
ROOMMATE: Big date later?
ME: [combs hair] Yes
R: Where?
M: [fixes tie] The woods
R: Is it with a bear again?
M: [dabs honey behind ears] No
[at subway]
And just a little lettuce.
*the guy starts backing a truck full of lettuce toward my sandwich & the truck is beeping*
No wait.
toothfairy had to leave a note apologizing she couldn’t find the tooth last night despite CLEAR instructions to her customers where the designated tooth pick-up spot is.
People say “5 second rule” like that’s a thing. I just ate a piece of Thanksgiving candy off the floor.
Hate eating nachos with someone at the theater and our fingers touch. Especially if I don’t know them, and they don’t know we’re sharing.
Literally any podcast host asking their guest a question
You can just say something like “a group of chipmunks is called a cheek.” No one fact-checks that shit anymore
Mah Dearest Emma,
War on Christmas is hell. This morn, I saw 7 elves stabbed with 1 menorah. I fear this nog soaked yuletide may nevah end.
So much security depends on computers never figuring out what a bus looks like
Accidentally drew my eyebrows on too dark and thick and now I live on Sesame Street with Ernie.