Did you ask her out?
Yes.
And?
She only dates guys named Matt.
Cause she likes to walk all over them?
No, tattoo she can’t afford to remove.
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Raisins are grape jerky.
God grant me the patience to accept the people whose outfits I cannot change.
I always carry a condom in my wallet in case a date goes unexpectedly well & I need to impress her with my balloon animals skills.
Why do customers threaten you with “I’m not coming back here” alright Gertrude see if I care? If anything ur doing me a favour luv x
A good response to any question is “what do you plan to do with this information”, especially at a McDonald’s drive-through
My favorite thing about summer is opening your window for 30 seconds so an insect that hasn’t been identified by science yet can fly into your home.
Sister1: People can see your bra when you lean forward
Sister2: Yeah a beige one would be less noticeable than turquoise
Me: Well if they’re gonna get a peek it may as well be pretty
got my wisdom teeth removed.
surgeon just came to my house and stole my college degree, has this happened to anyone else
*Movie’s 10 second sex scene begins
My dad who’s been missing for 12 years: hey whatcha watchin’
my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?
st. peter: that’s right
me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say
i’m so bad at rock-paper-scissors, last time i accidently joined a street gang.
Stop writing so much funny shit, people. I’ve been dishing out stars today like a first grade teacher on meth.
Found the job I’m suited for
Every toddler is a budding artist when you give them a peanut butter & jelly sandwich.
Happy Earth Day. You don’t look a day over 4,400,000,000 and get hotter every year.
wife: don’t eat that, u know it won’t agree with u
me: yes it will
taco: no I won’t
Went in for my checkup yesterday. Hernia & prostate exams are really uncomfortable, but he’s a great dentist so I let it go.
If it wasn’t for my coworkers who arrive to work after me I would never know it’s been raining for 7 days.
“For my next illusion” the magician announces: “Free will!” Everyone starts clapping but they don’t know why
People don’t know this but there’s no section in the criminal code that prohibits you from training pigeons to pick pocket tourists.
Me: Okay… Time for bed.
Brain: Cool.
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain: If you had a pterodactyl, would you name him Terry… or Perry??
My husband ran for 30 minutes on the treadmill. He’s told every other person on earth and I didn’t want y’all to be out of the loop.
Sex is great and all but have you ever blown a snot rocket that opened your nasal passage up again?
Holy crap this is wonderful
Failure isn’t an option? Just watch me.
Dress for the job you want to sleep at
Guys, don’t take the first step cause girls hate that easy guy. Also, you must take the first step cause they hate the shy one. Good luck!
A wise man once told me,
“Sir for just 50 cents more, you can add cheese to that”
my brother: grandma’s funeral is going to be closed casket
me: oh no
my brother: are you sad you won’t be able to see her one last time
me: no, it’s because this was going to be my only chance to pry her blueberry pie recipe from her cold, dead hands
Need special medicine for our son’s kidneys but we can’t afford it because we bought printer ink last week 🙁